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Writing Samples /
Band 8

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is it the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
Phone
use
time
 among
children
 is higher. There are various reasons behind
this
 increase but advancements in mobile devices and the Internet are usually attributed as the primary cause.
Although
 there are
also
 benefits, the harmful effects of
this
 development on
children
 can outweigh the good ones. In
this
 digital age, mobile phones are developed to be increasingly affordable and accessible.
As a result
, phone
use
 is universal and many
children
 are given smartphones as their personal belongings that can be accessible almost 24/7. Internet is another factor that contributes to increased screen
time
. A smartphone with a stable Internet connection is a great source of entertainment for
children
 where they can access millions of mobile applications online.
Moreover
, mobile app developers are putting every effort into making their products fascinating or even addictive to users.
Children
’s exposure to technology can benefit to a limited extent yet the drawbacks arguably have a greater impact. Even though
children
 can
use
 phones for educational purposes
such
 as taking online courses or learning foreign languages, it is relatively noticeable that more hours spent on the screen means less
time
 for physical and outdoor activities.
This
 can gradually lead to higher risks of obesity and lower health quality.
In addition
,
children
 with compulsive phone
use
 can be distracted from other responsibilities
such
 as study or social connections, which are essential aspects of a child’s well-being. In conclusion, the development of mobile phones is driving
children
 to spend more
time
 on smartphones. The negative effects of
this
 phenomenon are varied and they need to be put under serious consideration, particularly by parents of young offspring.
Submitted by vungoc2910 on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a strong response to the task, effectively discussing why children spend more time on their smartphones and whether this is a positive or negative development. However, integrating more concrete and specific examples could further strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is quite good, with a clear progression of ideas. Yet, there is room to improve transitions between some paragraphs to enhance the overall flow.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction effectively sets the stage for the essay, clearly outlining the scope of the discussion.
introduction conclusion present
You concluded your essay well, summarizing the main points and reiterating your stance on the development.
supported main points
The main points are well-supported, especially with regards to the possible negative impacts of excessive smartphone use among children.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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