IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

It is more important to use space in cities well than make them look beautiful. To what extent do you agree?

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When
cities
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 are growing and the worldwide
population
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 is increasing, it is generally believed that
city
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space
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 management is increasingly significant in order to prepare for the future need for housing. Predictions suggest that there will be progressively more demand for
space
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, pushing many to believe
space
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 is a main factor in
city
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 planning.
However
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, as far as I am concerned,
while
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space
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 is an important thing to consider, there are other factors at play with similar if not more impact.
First,
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a leading cause of concern is the problem of increasing
population
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 density. Experts believe that
population
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 density in
cities
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 will only increase in the future as more young adults are interested in the facilities and work environment as opposed to its countryside counterpart. As
population
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 growth requires more housing,
space
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 is widely believed to be in grave need in the future.
Moreover
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,
this
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 is
further
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 supported by the fact that taller apartments are built every single day, which focuses on giving a lot of housing for less ground area. These designs are not only an effective way to use
space
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,
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apply
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 but
also
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 give big
cities
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 like Dubai its own charm.
However
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, it is important to consider that increasing the amount of housing is a temporary solution to the increase in
population
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 density. It seems to me that the overemphasis on
space
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 only
further
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 encourages young people to move to
cities
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, leaving other alternatives
such
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 as the countryside to be underdeveloped.
On the other hand
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, planning focused on aesthetics or the beauty of the
city
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 allows for an increase in
overall
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 quality of life, where people living in
cities
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 generally live happier.
This
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also
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 opens the door to other sources of income
such
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 as tourism.
Although
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population
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 growth is a major problem to consider, personally there are other factors as important. The lack of resources and green
space
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 in a
city
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 planned to utilize
space
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 to the maximum extent is one. A beautiful
space
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 featuring plants and grass is more environmentally friendly and sustainable as compared to one without.
This
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 gives the
city
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 a chance to help combat other global issues,
for instance
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, climate change. With all the reasons mentioned above, in my opinion,
it is clear that
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while
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space
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 is a crucial factor to consider in planning a
city
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, it is not the most significant as there are other factors one should consider. Most of which can be fulfilled if beauty were to be deemed as more important.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay effectively addresses the prompt and covers multiple aspects of the issue. However, ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next to enhance coherence.
coherence cohesion
Consider using more varied linking words and phrases to improve the flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each supporting point is clearly linked back to the main argument for better cohesion.
task achievement
While your ideas are clear and well-explained, they could benefit from more precision and depth in some parts for a stronger argument.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction provides a clear understanding of the topic and sets the stage for your arguments effectively.
relevant specific examples
The essay includes relevant and specific examples that support your main points, such as the reference to Dubai's apartment buildings.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion succinctly summarizes your arguments and restates your position, which is a good practice.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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