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Band 5

some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #competition #work #school #life
People have different opinions about whether
students
 should
work
 competitively or
work
 in teams. There are several benefits of working with other individuals, I believe that
work
Replace the word
working
show examples
 alone in
competitive
Add an article
a competitive
the competitive
show examples
 environment is encouraged. On the one hand, there are
vaious
Correct your spelling
various
 advantages of working in a team.
Firstly
,
cooperation
 can certainly improve efficiency.
For example
, there are some perplexing tasks which people are not able
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
to handle solely in a short period of time,
it
Correct word choice
so it
show examples
 would be better to allocate
work
 to every
members
Change to a singular noun
member
show examples
.
Secondly
, ideas or thoughts are more likely to be shared in groups. Every member
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 allowed to share their great, innovative ideas,
discusing
Correct your spelling
discussing
discuss
 with each other
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the best one to complete their tasks.
Thirdly
,
cooperation
 in school prepares
student
Add an article
the student
a student
show examples
 for their future
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
. In society,
cooperation
 can be seen everywhere, thereby
this allowed
Wrong verb form
allowing
show examples
 school leavers to learn how to
work
 with others.
On the other hand
, I am of the opinion that
work
 competitively
outweights
Correct your spelling
outweighs
cooperation
.
Firstly
,
competition
 can help
Add an article
the student
a student
show examples
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 to build
comfidence
Correct your spelling
confidence
. With fierce
competition
 in
morden
Correct your spelling
modern
 society,
students
 who get used to pressure and difficulties are more likely to be successful in their careers.
Secondly
,
competition
 can motivate
students
 to put more effort
to
Change preposition
into
show examples
 their
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
show examples
.
Students
 are willing to study harder in order to be the best.
Thirdly
,
competition
 can help individuals to develop skills more rapidly. People are more likely to learn
quicker
Replace the word
quickly
show examples
 under pressure. In conclusion, I believe that
work
Wrong verb form
working
show examples
 in fierce
competion
Correct your spelling
competition
 has greater advantages than
cooperation
, even
work
Wrong verb form
working
show examples
 in
team
Add an article
the team
a team
show examples
 brings some significant benefits.
Submitted by 842623369 on

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coherence cohesion
Work on refining your thesis statement in the introduction to clearly present both sides of the argument along with your own opinion. This would make your stance clearer from the very beginning.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main point. For instance, the third point in the second paragraph could be more seamlessly integrated with the prior discussed points.
task achievement
Elaborate more on your examples and their implications. Provide more specific examples to rigorously support each point you make.
task achievement
Work on improving grammatical accuracy and spelling. For instance, 'vaious' should be 'various' and 'comfidence' should be 'confidence'. This will enhance comprehension and professionalism in your writing.
task achievement
The essay addresses both views and presents a clear opinion, fulfilling the task requirements.
coherence cohesion
Good organization in terms of paragraph structure, with clear distinctions between discussions on cooperation and competition.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
What to do next:
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