IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In order to be successful in sports, some people think you have to be physically strong. Others say that mental strength is more important. Discuss both view and give your opinion.

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Sports
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 activities are becoming more and more popular nowadays. National athletes are one of the factors why
sports
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 gaining massive popularity.
However
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, there are different views from society stating that in order to have a successful career in
sports
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 we need to be physically strong
while
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 others said mentally strong is more important. In my opinion, rather than focusing only on one side, we need to maintain the strength of both physical and mental.
This
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 essay will elaborate more on
this
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 topic. On the one hand,
sports
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 competitions mostly evaluate participants by their speed or power.
Hence
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 having a stronger body and endurance than our opponent means that we will have a bigger chance to win.
For instance
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, Karate is a martial art which is done by putting 2 participants in an arena to fight each other. If someone has better defence energy or can punch stronger than the other,
then
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 he is most likely gonna be the winner.
Thus
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, having a strong body will help them to win.
On the other hand
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,
sports
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 not only rely on physical strength but
also
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 on strategy. Most
sports
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 done individually will rely a lot on someone's mental.
For example
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, a badminton player, Ginting, has played for Indonesia's national team for a long time and experienced ups and downs throughout his career. He ever said that he was defeated in a competition because of a problem in his daily life which is his mother's sickness.
This
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 affected a lot to his mental condition, making him could not concentrate
while
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 training and end up lost in the competition,
That is
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 why he hired a psychologist to fix his mentality and go back to the competition.
To sum up
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 everything that has been stated so far, I strongly agree that being healthy physically is important but in order to be successful we need to balance it with good mental health.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion, which helps maintain a logical structure. However, consider refining your topic sentences for better clarity. For example, instead of saying, "On the one hand," mention the physical strength and then discuss it. This helps readers understand your main points immediately.
task achievement
You have responded to the task adequately by discussing both perspectives and giving a clear opinion. To make your ideas clearer and more comprehensive, try to delve deeper into each point. For instance, add more examples or elaborate on how mental strength can influence various sports.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear, well-structured introduction and conclusion. The beginning sets the stage nicely for what will be discussed, and the conclusion succinctly wraps up your arguments.
task achievement
The essay includes relevant and specific examples, such as the anecdote about Ginting, which adds depth to your argument about the importance of mental strength in sports.
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