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Writing Samples
Band 7

n many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Discuss the causes and suggest solutions for the problem

#n #countries #children
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It is widely argued that in many parts of the world, the health standards of the young are going down. Numerous studies show that
this
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 trend is mainly because of the advancement of technology,
however
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, there are still some
ways
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 to tackle
this
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 issue. Many organizations support the idea that overweight and unhealthy problems in
children
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 may come from digital platforms.
Firstly
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, social networks and high technology are becoming trendy which extremely attracts young people.
As a result
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, they sit down or lie in bed, and pay attention to their phones for a long time leading to being overweight.
Secondly
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, as soon as many teenagers become fat, they try to find some
ways
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 to solve
this
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 body weakness. Unfortunately, they prioritize short-term processes
such
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 as cut-down meals, break freak, drinking diet pills, and following some tricks of models, keeping fit channels
instead
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 of doing exercises and promoting lifestyle.
Nevertheless
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, measures must be taken by the government, schools, parents, and themselves. Ministry
along with
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 teachers should organize more events for
children
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.
For example
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, sports competitions like football and basketball contests. Or opening book holy days, trips
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 to the countryside, and forest…
Moreover
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, parents need to teach them the correct
ways
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 to keep their fitness, and how to choose selective options to upgrade not only their bodies but
also
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 their mental health.
In addition
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, young generations should be aware of the importance of healthy balance.
Also
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, the knowledge about the benefits and drawbacks of diet pills and others should be widely spread to more
children
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 and teenagers. In conclusion, only by teaching
children
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 in the right
ways
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 will life standards be changed better.
Submitted by lyhuongclc on

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task achievement
Ensure all points are fully developed: The essay mentions causes and solutions but lacks depth in developing these points. Adding more detail, examples, or explanations could improve this.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow between paragraphs: While the essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, the transitions between paragraphs could be smoother to enhance coherence and cohesion.
structure
Clear structure: The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames the discussion well.
task achievement
Relevant examples: The essay uses examples like sports competitions and diet pills to illustrate points, adding relevance to the discussion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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