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Band 5

Nowadays many mothers take care of the family and don't go out to work. Some people believe they should be given salaries by the government. Do you agree or disagree?

#mothers #care #work #people #salaries #government
Women
 indeed play a crucial role in society. These days, a large number of
mothers
 stay at
home
 and look after their family members,
hence
, some say that these
mothers
 should be paid
salaries
 by the government. I strongly disagree with
this
 statement and
this
 essay discusses it briefly for the following reasons.
To begin
 with, the authorities should not give
salaries
 to homemakers because
this
 will encourage to all
women
 stay at
home
 without going to work.
This
 is,
women
 can work and earn
money
 by themselves; they use their talents and academic
qualification
Fix the agreement mistake
qualifications
show examples
for getting
Change preposition
to get
show examples
 jobs, if the government pays
salaries
 to them,
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 do not come out with their small circle.
For example
,
women
 should be independent
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
financially
as well as
 emotionally but careers only bring
this
 situation of
women
freedom
.
Hence
, the authorities should not pay any
salaries
 to
mothers
 who are at
home
 on the grounds it affects
women
's
freedom
.
Furthermore
, housewives should not receive
money
 from the ruling party as a
salary
 because
this
 impacts their talents and career perspectives.
This
 is,
women
also
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
dream
Fix the agreement mistake
dreams
show examples
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 being a top positions in working
place
Correct your spelling
workplace
show examples
 that's why they study
many
Change preposition
for many
show examples
 degrees than men but if the authorities pay
salaries
 to
them
Correct pronoun usage
those
show examples
 who look after their family as a
salary
,
consequently
,
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 do not have a chance to achieve their dreams
besides
, their's thoughts and ideas are being very narrow space.
For instance
, the government should offer plenty of employment opportunities to homemakers, so they can earn
money
 by themselves
instead
 of providing
salaries
 to them.
Then
, housewives should not get
money
 from the ministry as a
salary
 for staying at
home
 and taking care of their families. In conclusion,
mothers
are sacrificed
Change the verb form
have sacrificed
show examples
 their whole life
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 look after
families
Correct pronoun usage
their families
show examples
, even though, they do not get earnings from the ministry as a
salary
 because it affects their
freedom
, financial independence, career perspective, talent and skills.
Therefore
, I strongly disagree with
this
 statement
due to
 it impacts
women
's
freedom
.
Submitted by reanudeepan on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph logically flows to the next. Use more cohesive devices such as 'moreover', 'in addition', and 'as a result'.
task achievement
Develop and expand your main points with more specific and relevant examples.
task achievement
Ensure your arguments are clear and comprehensive. Sometimes your reasoning can be a bit unclear or fragmented.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
You have articulated your stance clearly and maintained it throughout the essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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