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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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In everyday life,
such
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 as in
school
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 or at work, it is considered normal and acceptable.
While
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 some individuals may oppose it for certain reasons, I strongly agree that having a sense of rivalry has a positive impact on people's development. On the one hand, people who are against
competition
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 in the office and in
school
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 argue that
such
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 an environment is more warm and comfortable, encouraging them to be more open and relaxed with each other.
As a result
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, working or studying without
competition
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 enables these individuals to feel less stress and anxiety.
For instance
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, a case study from the University of Indonesia found that workers in family-oriented companies, which produced less rivalry, reported that the workers in those companies had positive mental health with high motivation to go to the office every day
,
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apply
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 and that
this
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 benefited the company.
In contrast
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, I am confident that the presence of
competition
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 in the workplace or
school
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 will bring many positive impacts for employees and students. With the presence of a feeling of wanting to be
the
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at the
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 top in our daily lives and of defeating our rivals, people are forced to improve their knowledge and abilities.
Furthermore
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, individuals will receive numerous chances to upgrade their positions in their career lives and achieve higher incomes compared to their coworkers.
For example
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,
according to
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 data from the Ministry of Economy of Japan, the majority of the top five companies in Japan admitted that they had strict rules and standards for every employee to follow and suggested that employees develop self-confidence and reduce dependence on others. In conclusion, even though the avoidance of workplace and
school
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 may foster more harmonious and supportive organizations, I personally do not support the idea. I believe
competition
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 will encourage students and workers to improve their competence to achieve better options and conditions in the future.

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Task Response
Your introduction states your opinion clearly. However, you might consider rephrasing slightly to make the thesis statement more direct.
Coherence and Cohesion
In your conclusion, reinforce your main points more clearly to strengthen the final message. You could briefly restate the key benefits of competition to emphasize your viewpoint.
Coherence and Cohesion
While your arguments are clear, providing more varied examples could enhance credibility and demonstrate deeper understanding. Additionally, linking phrases could improve the flow between your points.
Task Response
You have effectively discussed both views and provided a clear opinion, showcasing an understanding of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is commendable, helping the reader easily follow your argumentation.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
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