IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

More and more people are moving from an agricultural background to relocate to cities in order tolook for work. What will be consequences of this? What solutions can you offer?

#people #background #cities #tolook #work #consequences #offer
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In recent times, a lot of individuals have migrated to urban
cities
Use synonyms
 from the countryside for new jobs. It can lead to an increase in population
as a result
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 citizens come across a few problems
such
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 as crowded places and traffic jams and in order to solve
this
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 issue, the
government
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 should widen the roads and pay attention to the countryside. One of the main reasons for migration is the desire for better job prospects and higher income. Large
cities
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 have more opportunities for finding a new job.
Unfortunately
Add a comma
Unfortunately,
show examples
 there are a lot of consequences to urban
cities
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.
For example
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, migration causes traffic jams and crowded places in
cities
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, because people move with their families and own cars to the large
cities
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 and
this
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 causes chaotic traffic during rush hour.
Moreover
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, the number of people in
cities
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 causes crowded markets, malls and other special services places. All of them may impact nature. There are several ways to solve
this
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 issue.
Firstly
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, the
government
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 should expand all the roads.
Furthermore
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, many factories and plants should be moved out of the city. If the
government
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 created many conditions for the population of the agricultural areas they
will
Wrong verb form
would
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 not migrate to the large
cities
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 for working and living.
For example
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, in Japanese
government
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 built new textile factories and other productions in agricultural areas,
as a result
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, the number of migrants decreased to 45% from 70%. These actions will help to solve that problem. In conclusion, if the
government
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 and other responsible organs try to set up huge factories and hospitals in the countryside areas and expand the roads of urban
cities
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 all problems will be solved.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task achievement
Your essay discusses the topic well, but elaboration on the effects of migration from rural to urban areas would strengthen your essay. Include more specific examples and statistics if available.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. This can strengthen the coherence and make the essay more readable. For instance, separate the ideas about traffic jams and crowded places into different paragraphs for greater clarity.
coherence cohesion
Improve the transitions between paragraphs to guide the reader through your arguments smoothly. Phrases like "In addition," "Moreover," and "Furthermore" can help with this.
coherence cohesion
You have introduced the topic well and ended with a clear conclusion, summarizing your main points effectively.
task achievement
Your essay provides relevant examples, such as the Japanese government's actions, to support your points.
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