IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 2.5

Caring of children is an important thing of the society. It is suggested that all mothers and fathers should be required to take training courses. Do you agree or disagree?

#children #society #mothers #fathers #courses
It is argued that children’s care is an essential part of the society. Some people believe that all parents should be required to
join
Verb problem
attend
show examples
 training lessons. I completely disagree with
this
 statement, and believe that there
no
Add a missing verb
is no
show examples
 need to go for training courses. One of the major reasons why some
persons
Replace the word
people
show examples
 hold
this
 view is being over-caring
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
. A large number of mothers and fathers claim that their children are the most beautiful, smart and successful. In my view,
this
 fact is leading to the overwhelming number of materials targeted
for
Change preposition
at
show examples
 parents,
such
 as websites, videos, vlogs and posts
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social media resources.
In addition
 to the over-caring parents, governments
also
plays
Change the verb form
play
show examples
 an important role in promoting
this
 idea.
This
 means that governments
pays
Change the verb form
pay
show examples
 for advertising their ideas,
Correct word choice
and organizes
show examples
organizes
Correct subject-verb agreement
organize
show examples
 various events aimed
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
 increasing the reach of the popularity of
this
 idea.
For instance
,
State
Correct article usage
the State
show examples
 can easily sponsor a local organization that advocates for child protection support.
Submitted by eparfenenkov on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your introduction is clear, but the thesis statement could be more specific. Instead of saying 'there no need to go for training courses,' which contains a minor grammatical error, you could say 'there is no need for mandatory training courses for parents.'
task achievement
Try to elaborate further on your points. For example, explain how the numerous materials available for parents make additional courses unnecessary.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion is missing. You need to sum up your arguments to reinforce your thesis statement clearly.
task achievement
The essay addresses both societal and governmental reasons against mandatory parenting courses, which adds depth to the argument.
coherence cohesion
The logical flow between sentences and ideas is generally well-maintained.
task achievement
You've included specific examples about the role of government and the variety of materials available, which adds credibility to your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • equip (verb): to provide with necessary tools or skills
  • cater (verb): to attend to someone's needs or requirements
  • development stages (noun): specific times during a child's growth when certain physical or psychological changes occur
  • nutrition (noun): the process of providing or receiving the food necessary for health and growth
  • foster (verb): to promote the growth or development of something
  • mandatory (adjective): required by law or rules
  • infringement (noun): the action of limiting or undermining something
  • practicality (noun): the quality or state of being practical or realistic
  • accessibility (noun): the quality of being easy to obtain or use
What to do next:
Look at other essays: