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Band 6

Nowadays, an increasing number of people with health problems are using alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their normal doctor. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #health #alternative #medicines #treatments #doctor #development
It cannot be denied that these days, more and more individuals with ailments are using other sources of medicines and treatments rather than having their doctors check up periodically. From my perspective, I strongly believe that
this
 is a negative development
due to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 some reasons.
Firstly
, it is boiled down to that patients have a huge gap in medical knowledge, which means that they don't know about medicine usage
as well as
 the doctors.
Thus
, it would be too dangerous for them to self-treat.
For example
, aspirins can be used to mitigate some light symptoms, yet they
also
 have potential risks related to kidneys. If
people
 overuse, they will suffer several rigorous ailments
as a consequence
.
Therefore
, it would be better for
people
 to see the doctors as soon as possible.
Secondly
,
people
 are exposed to mortality or fatal diseases by using medicine or treatment alternation. Take the message as a good example of
this
.
This
 method may help
people
 to disperse their headaches or fatigue,
however
,
stroke
Correct article usage
a stroke
show examples
 might occur if the executors are not professionals. Several deaths happen
as a result
 of
this
 case.
Therefore
,
this
 would be better if they had their acupunctures executed.
Additionally
,
instead
 of seeing a doctor, locals in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mountainous or rural areas choose to cook some leaves or trees as a resort to treat their illness, resulting in some potential risks to their well-being. In conclusion, I totally believe that
this
 is a negative development
due to
 the shortage of medical insights and hidden diseases.
Submitted by hongmien.n on

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coherence
To improve clarity and coherence, make sure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. You may use linking words like 'furthermore,' 'moreover,' and 'on the other hand' to ensure that the essay flows logically.
task response
Expand on examples and develop them further. For instance, give a detailed scenario explaining the dangers of overusing aspirin or go more in-depth about the risks associated with unqualified alternate therapies.
task response
Make sure that your reasons are explained thoroughly. While the essay presented plausible reasons and relevant examples, they could be more comprehensive and elaborated to meet higher band score criteria.
coherence
Consider refining your sentence structure and varying your vocabulary to make the essay richer. This approach helps in making your arguments more compelling and persuasive.
task response
The essay addresses the topic question and provides a clear stance that is maintained throughout the essay.
coherence
Both introduction and conclusion are well-presented, clearly stating your viewpoint and summarizing your main points effectively.
task response
The examples given are relevant and aligned with the arguments made, thus reinforcing your point of view.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • alternative medicines
  • treatments
  • positive development
  • negative development
  • health problems
  • usual doctor
  • access
  • personalized approach
  • holistic well-being
  • lack of regulation
  • evidence-based research
  • proper medical treatment
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