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Band 6

The advantages and disadvantages of using mobile phone?

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With the development of new technology, using phones has become popular among people.
This
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 rise in
popularity
Correct article usage
the popularity
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 of mobile phones has offered many benefits, the most noticeable of which is their great convenience;
however
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, the drawbacks,
such
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 as using them a lot, are harmful.
To begin
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 with, one of the core advantages of using a cellphone is that it is remarkably convenient. The use of the
phone
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 led to the formation of long-distance communication.
Besides
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, we can video call, voice call, send text messages, send emails, and do official business meetings just by using
this
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 small portable device.
For example
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, in quarantine times, people could not organize face-to-face meetings, so the
most safe
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safest
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 way to meet was to communicate with
phone
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 devices.
On the other hand
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, the main disadvantage of using a mobile
phone
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 a lot is that the light produced by the
phone
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 screen affects our eyes. Young people's eyes are very sensitive, and the
ultra-rays
Correct your spelling
ultrasounds
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 emitted by the
phone
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 can damage the retina, resulting in eye damage.
This
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 is the biggest problem with using the
phone
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 a lot. In general, the
phone
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 has other serious harm to our health.
For instance
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, using a
phone
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 before going to sleep is harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
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 the brain, and sleeping late would cause Alzheimer's. In conclusion, the rise of new technologies has led to a rise in the popularity of
phone
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 use. The most obvious benefit of mobile phones' increasing popularity is their extreme convenience;
however
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, there are
also
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 negative aspects, like overuse, that can be potentially harmful.
Although
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 its main advantage is that it is a mobile communication tool, its disadvantage is that its harmful rays are dangerous for our health.

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task achievement
Your essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, which is great. However, make sure to make your points more specific and provide more detailed examples to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is well-organized, some transitions and connections between sentences could be improved for better flow. Use linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your ideas more smoothly.
task achievement
To improve the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas, delve deeper into each point. For example, explain how mobile phones are convenient with more specific scenarios, and elaborate on the health risks with additional details.
coherence cohesion
You have a strong introduction and conclusion, making your essay well-rounded.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured and easy to follow for the reader.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples, such as the use of mobile phones during quarantine, which adds to the clarity of your points.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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