IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In today’s society, the popularity of
celebrities
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 is more likely linked to their wealth and glamour than the prize or goal they achieved.
Therefore
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 some
people
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 think
this
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 phenomenon would affect young
people
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 negatively.
in
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In
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 my view,
this
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 concern has its rationality but lacks a comprehensive sight of society and
education
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. Indeed,
this
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 phenomenon did unfold as
people
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 worried. To illustrate it, Young generations could easily affected by the improper values which influencers exhibit on their social media by showing off their lavish lives,
due to
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 the large proportion of online communication in young
people
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’s lives.
For example
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, many students would save money which was supposed spent on their meals to buy luxury items, just because they want the same product as
celebrities
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.
However
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, in some circumstances, it could
also
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 be considered as a promotion for young
people
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 in offering themselves a better life. Setting a material goal is an efficient way for younger generations to overcome the difficulties. To be more specific, it would be harder for
adolescents
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 to clarify their life aims or career path, but easier to motivate themselves to achieve short-term goals,
such
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 as working hard to imitate
celebrities
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’ possessions. Apart from that, the concern mentioned above showed an insufficient understanding of the core, which was
also
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 an underestimation of educational effects and students’ behaviours. Children have been taught the correct values for many years, with the prerequisite of receiving
education
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, which was commonly a mandatory duty globally.
Therefore
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, it was impossible for
adolescents
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 would idolize those
celebrities
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 who did not deserve it because, after
education
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,
adolescents
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 can distinguish the personalities which
people
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 can cherish. A good example is, if
adolescents
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 were asked to name a person who is worthy of respect, they are more likely to say the name of a scientist
instead
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 of an internet celebrity. Compared to ethical
stud
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studies
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, it’s hard for
celebrities
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 who were famous for their wealth and glamour
instead
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 of achievements to win the control of the young generation’s standard of examples. In conclusion,
while
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 the glamorization of wealth and glamour by
celebrities
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 can have some negative effects on young
people
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, the strong foundation of
education
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 and correct values taught to children can mitigate these effects.
Therefore
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, the influence of
such
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celebrities
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 is not as detrimental as it might seem.

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task achievement
While the essay effectively addresses the task and presents a clear opinion, it could benefit from more relevant and specific examples to better support the arguments being made. For instance, mention specific celebrities or cases that illustrate the points about glamour and wealth versus genuine achievements.
coherence cohesion
The essay displays a logical structure and has clear introduction and conclusion sections. However, some paragraphs could be more coherently linked, and transitions between ideas could be smoother. Consider using more linking phrases and ensuring that each paragraph flows logically to the next.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each main point is thoroughly supported and developed. Some arguments, like the role of education, are very general and could be more specific and detailed to provide stronger support.
task achievement
The essay effectively responds to the prompt and provides a well-rounded argument from both perspectives, acknowledging the potential negative influence of celebrities while also mentioning the role of education.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-presented and encapsulate the main ideas of the essay effectively. This provides a clear framework for the reader, helping to understand the essay's direction.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • glamour
  • wealth
  • achievements
  • portrayed
  • overshadow
  • influenced
  • lifestyles
  • unrealistic
  • expectations
  • values
  • promoting
  • hard work
  • perseverance
  • inspire
  • positive impact
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