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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below give the number of people employed in five types of work in a certain region in Australia in 2001 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart below give the number of people employed in five types of work in a certain region in Australia in 2001 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#people #five #work #region #australia #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The line graph compares the sum of employed
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
in the five kinds of
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
whic
Correct your spelling
which
 are
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sales
,accounting,nursing and farming in a certain region in
Austraila
Correct your spelling
Australia
 between
this
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 years 2001 and 2008.
It is clear that
 the
pepole
Correct your spelling
people
sales
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 the highest than others work.
By contrast
,the amount of
employes
Correct your spelling
employees
show examples
 in farming was
lowest
Replace the word
lower
show examples
 than other jobs.
On the other hand
,between 2001 and 2008 the
figure
Fix the agreement mistake
figures
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
Sales
 were the highest than others.
However
,in 2001 the number of
sales
was reach
Change the verb form
reached
show examples
aproximitily
Correct your spelling
approximately
 150000.But the nursing and computing were sam number which
is reach
Change the verb form
reaches
show examples
 up to 50000.
Beside
Replace the word
Besides
show examples
,between
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 two years 2001 and 2008 the
figure
Fix the agreement mistake
figures
show examples
show
Change the verb form
shows
show examples
 the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of
employes
Correct your spelling
employees
show examples
 in accounting
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
near each other.
Addtionaly
Correct your spelling
Additionally
,in 2008,the people in
sales
 was
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
higher than
computing
Change preposition
in computing
show examples
 which
is reach
Wrong verb form
reached
show examples
 more than 160000.
Furthermore
,the statistic of
pepole
Correct your spelling
people
 in nursing and accounting were almost the same which
is reach
Wrong verb form
reached
show examples
 less than 60000.
Finally
,the
acount
Correct your spelling
number
 of people in farming
was drop
Wrong verb form
dropped
show examples
 it less than 20000.
Submitted by alkhaldijojo80 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words sales with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reach" was used 4 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • employment trends
  • workforce
  • sector
  • industry
  • agriculture
  • services
  • economic factors
  • technological advancements
  • policy changes
  • notable increases/decreases
  • statistical data
  • regional employment patterns
  • comparative analysis
  • percentage points
  • employment rate
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