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Band 3.5

Many parents encourage young people to leave home when they age, while others think they should stay home with family. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#parents #people #home #age
Most
parents
 believe that young people should move out when they grow up,
while
 others think they have to stay with their family. I can say that young people must leave home when they age On the one hand,
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 community prefer to stay with their friends during their university years.
Additionally
, they enjoy having a party with their groupmates at home
therefore
 renting a new house is the best way to experience university life.
For instance
, in America and other developed countries,
parents
 try to release their children at 18 ages and they contemplate independence as so
importarıt
Correct your spelling
important
after
this
 age
On the other
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
 some
parents
 want their children to stay with them even when they age in
this
 situation, these children get used to their
parents
 and they can suffer in their relationship with their spouse when they get married notably, staying with their mother can create problems in marriage
To conclude
, I think that
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 population should decide themselves to stay with family or leave home
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 if they do they can find the right pace in their decision
Submitted by raufpasayev83 on

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task achievement
Provide more relevant specific examples and clarify your ideas with comprehensive points.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure by using more transitional phrases to guide the reader through your arguments smoothly.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains an introduction and conclusion, which is essential for a well-structured essay.
task achievement
The main points are supported, although more relevant examples are needed for a higher score.

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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