In the future, more people will choose to go on holidays in their own country and not travel abroad on holiday? Do you ageree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience
There is a statement that in the forthcoming many folks prefer going on vacations in their own nation rather than traveling to another nation during the
holiday
. Thus
, I still feel that people will go to other countries on a day off in the future for two main reasons.
Firstly
, as a human being, it is clearly known that community have a sense of curiosity. Rather than doing the same activity, they tend to do a new thing. Consequently
, they will get some new knowledge from that. In line with that, folk will learn something when they explore the new destination of their life. For instance
, folks will always be visiting new places in the future, including other countries as they can try dishes from different cultures, identify landmarks around the world, and find new friends from other land.
Secondly
, because of globalization, humans can easily browse on the internet how much the price is to travel to other nations. Therefore
, they can compare the price of a holiday
in their own nation and another country. In some conditions, the cost of a vacation abroad is cheaper than domestically. For example
, during Seclusion Day, the cost to visit Bali will be higher than on general days, so many Indonesians do not go there and will travel to Malaysia. The government also
is one crucial part of that situation. Nowadays, tourists become the major income in some land
. Fix the agreement mistake
lands
Thus
, they will give so many discounts to attract tourist from other region
to come to their land.
In conclusion, the statement that said Change the wording
another region
other regions
in
the planned population tend to Change preposition
apply
holiday
in their own country should hardly believe as a human being, crowd
have a sense of curiosity. Add an article
the crowd
Therefore
, I believe that folks in the forthcoming still go to other countries to learn about something new and sometimes the cost of a holiday
in other nations is cheaper in some conditions.Submitted by alfathemaster on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
task achievement
Try to refine the thesis statement in the introduction for clarity. Instead of 'Thus, I still feel that people will go to other countries on a day off in the future,' try 'Therefore, I believe that in the future, people will still choose to travel abroad for holidays.'
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the flow between sentences and paragraphs. Use more linking words and phrases (e.g., moreover, furthermore, in addition) to enhance coherence.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences are slightly awkward or unclear. For example, 'Rather than doing the same activity, they tend to do a new thing.' Consider rephrasing to 'Rather than repeating the same activities, they tend to seek new experiences.'
coherence cohesion
Be careful with minor grammatical errors and unnatural phrasing. For instance, 'Thus, they will give so many discounts to attract tourist from other region to come to their land.' could be better as 'Thus, they will offer many discounts to attract tourists from other regions.'
task achievement
There are clear, valid points supporting your argument, such as curiosity driving people to explore new places and globalization making international travel more accessible.
task achievement
Relevant and specific examples are provided, like the comparison between traveling to Bali during Seclusion Day versus traveling to Malaysia, which enhances the argument's credibility.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which improves readability and structure.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.