IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Today more and more people are overweight than before. What in your opinion are the primary causes of this. What are main affects of this epidemic.

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Nowadays, obesity has become a major
problem
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 for everyone as compared to the past. There are, in my opinion, two main causes of
this
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 major
problem
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. In the past,
people
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 were healthy because they used to eat home-cooked food, which was made with natural and home-grown products.
However
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,
this
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 trend changed when
people
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's mindsets changed, as now they mostly focus on earning money
instead
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 of looking at their well-being. The main cause of changing the trend is inflation. It made everyone so materialistic that they even forgot about the quote that health is wealth. By just focusing on money, they don't have time to cook at home.
Consequently
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, they go for quick options which contain sugars, and chemicals. These foods do not digest easily, which leads to fat accumulation. Another reason is everyone is doing sitting jobs and physical activity, even a walk is not in their routine, as
this
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 is the only way to digest food, which ultimately leads to increasing fat in the body. My friend,
for example
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, was fit in the past as he used to travel by bicycle, but now he bought a car and is doing a desk job. Now he not only gains weight but
also
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invites
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has
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 a lot of health problems because he does not even try to do a 5-minute walk. The effects that arise with
this
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problem
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 are severe. The first is the heart and breathing
problem
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.
People
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 who are overweight have a
problem
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 with blood and oxygen circulation that makes it harder for them to breathe because blood and oxygen
doesnot
Verb problem
do not
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 reach every part of the body, which in the result is a case of death even at an early age.
Secondly
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, the age limit is decreasing because of having
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problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
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 with breathing and heart.
This
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in
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apply
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together takes the life of a person.
To conclude
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,
people
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 are becoming materialistic and trying to earn money and forget about their health and even because of their type of job, they don't have time to do physical activity, which leads to the
problem
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 of obesity and in turn to matter of death.

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Task Response
Although you have introduced two clear causes of obesity, providing a third point could strengthen your argument in the task. Consider mentioning additional factors such as the influence of technology and sedentary lifestyle on increased screen time and decreased physical activity.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that your paragraphs have clear topic sentences to guide the reader through your argument. Adequately transitioning between ideas could enhance the flow of your essay. For instance, introducing each paragraph with a clear signpost can help with coherence.
Coherence and Cohesion
Some sentences could benefit from grammatical corrections for clearer understanding. For example, replace 'doesnot' with 'does not' and adjust some phrases for naturalness, like 'the age limit is decreasing' could be rephrased to 'life expectancy is decreasing'.
Task Achievement
You effectively highlight the relationship between lifestyle changes and the increase in obesity, providing real-life examples which enrich your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay provides a well-structured response to the prompt, with clear organization of ideas in separate paragraphs.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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