IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In spite of the advances made in aguriculture, many people around the world still go hungry. Why is this the case? What can be done about this problem?

#spite #advances #aguriculture #people #world #case
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We have encountered the significant development of agriculture these days. Since we have invested a lot of
resource
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resources
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for
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in
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 research and development, we are able to produce quality
of
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apply
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seeds for
vegetable
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vegetables
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 or fertilizer and
also
Linking Words
access
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have access
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 to technology for the efficient domestication of animals. Because of
this
Linking Words
, the
amount
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 of
food
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 that we produce all over the world in total has boomed dramatically,
Linking Words
however
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however,
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 that doesn’t mean that no one is struggling to eat
appropriate
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the appropriate
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amount
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 and nutritious
food
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 every day. Especially in developing
country
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countries
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, there are still many people suffering from hunger.
This
Linking Words
 is mainly about an issue of distribution. Surprisingly,
according to
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 the statistics, there
are
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is
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 enough
amount
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 of
foods
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food
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 in total if those are distributed equally to every people in the world.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, in reality,
food
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 is the way abundant in developed
countries
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 rather than
developed
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in developed
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country
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countries
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. Developed
countries
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, where new agricultural technology is made, can cultivate huge
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amount
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amounts
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 of
food
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 and
also
Linking Words
 a variety of
food
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.
Further
Linking Words
, the flow of
food
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 is basically from developing
countries
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 to developed
countries
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 because developed
countries
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 import
food
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 whatever they want.
Thus
Linking Words
, developed
countries
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 without high-tech agricultural
method
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methods
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 or those
countries
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 exporting
the
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apply
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most of what they produce are still likely to go hungry. I can think of two ways to curb
this
Linking Words
 situation.
Firstly
Linking Words
, international donor
agency
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agencies
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such
Linking Words
 as the United Nations or the World Bank should provide technical assistance to developing nations in the field of agriculture. It can contribute to the increase of productivity of specific agricultural commodities in order for those
countries
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 to be self-sustaining.
Secondary
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Secondly
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, by imposing more
tariff
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tariffs
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 on foods which are exported from developing
countries
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 to developed
countries
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, developed
countries
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 can make more profit and
then
Linking Words
 purchase nutritious
food
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 with
those money
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that money
show examples
.
Submitted by amanetsuchimoto on

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task achievement
Consider defining key terms such as 'distribution' and 'hunger' to provide clarity to your arguments. This can enhance task response and ensure the reader easily follows your line of thought.
coherence cohesion
Improve the coherence and cohesion of your essay by using more transitional phrases and connectors between sentences and paragraphs. This can help the ideas flow more naturally.
task achievement
Try to provide more detailed and specific examples to support your points. This adds depth to your discussions and strengthens your argumentation.
coherence cohesion
It's important to have a concluding paragraph summarizing your main points. This will solidify your essay and provide a sense of closure. Your essay currently lacks a clear conclusion.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt directly and provides a clear response to both parts of the question. This shows good understanding of the task requirements.
coherence cohesion
You have a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing causes and solutions, making the essay easy to follow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • agricultural advancements
  • food scarcity
  • economic disparity
  • distribution inefficiencies
  • political instability
  • climate change
  • food waste
  • access to technology
  • modern farming methods
  • land degradation
  • food production
  • financial means
  • war-torn regions
  • supply chains
What to do next:
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