IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many factotured food and drink products contains high level of sugar which causes many health problems. What do you think about it? Describe you opinion.

#food #drink #products #level #sugar #health
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Most of the fabricated snacks hold increased levels of sugar, which can cause
health
 issues,
however
, we can find snacks which have low prices and high amounts of glucose in them. In my point of view, everyone cares about their
health
 because these
fabrics
 which produce products of low quality and low price, know that it is easy for everyone to buy these products.
Therefore
, they will continue to manufacture them.
Firstly
, for
people
, eating something delicious is enjoyable but we
also
 have to look after of
health
.
Fabrics
 always add flavouring to their food so, everybody can like the taste of it. And for these tastes, we all buy some fabricated food. But it can damage our
health
 and can cause too many
health
 problems.
Secondly
, there are just a few
fabrics
 that make goods with healthier ingredients. Because
people
 don't buy ones which are poor in flavour. In spite of the healthier ingredients, they prefer rich flavorful snacks. And some of them think that just one pack wouldn't do anything but it causes a lot.
On the other hand
,
people
 who are on a diet have really little amounts of alternatives to buy from markets. They usually try to make some healthier recipes at home
nevertheless
, they experience lots of problems when they are at work or in some kind of situation where they cannot cook or bake anything. There are many
people
 out there who already have
health
 problems and are not able to buy anything from marketplaces ,
for example
, insulin resistance. There are just a few
fabrics
 which produce products with zero glucose in them. Ultimately examples and arguments given , show that
fabrics
 do not care about anyone but just themselves,
consequently
, everyone has to take care of their physical condition
Submitted by i.nureddinn on

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Word Choice
Be cautious with word choice to ensure accuracy and clarity. For instance, using 'manufacturers' or 'companies' instead of 'fabrics,' which typically refers to material, would enhance understanding.
Argument Development
Ensure consistency in argument development. While you present a clear stance, expanding on the implications of high sugar consumption with more detailed examples or statistics could strengthen your argument.
Language Variety
Watch out for repetitive phrases and try varying your language for a more dynamic essay. This will keep the reader engaged and demonstrate a broader vocabulary.
Structure
Including a brief conclusion to summarise your arguments and reiterate your stance could make your essay feel more complete.
Task Achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt with a clear opinion, showing good task achievement.
Structure
You have structured your essay with an introduction and body paragraphs, which is good for logical flow and understanding.
Ideas
Your essay contains a variety of ideas and arguments, demonstrating a capacity to think critically about the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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