IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say that what children watch on TV influences their behavior while others say the amount of time children spend watching TV influences their behavior. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In contemporary society, the debate surrounds whether the behaviours of
children
Use synonyms
 change
according to
Linking Words
 what they watch versus how much
time
Use synonyms
 they spend looking at
TV
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
 it negatively affects
children
Use synonyms
's behaviours in accordance with what they watch, it is
also
Linking Words
 true that their characters change depending on how much
time
Use synonyms
 they spend watching
TV
Use synonyms
, as they can lose interest in physical activities.   By watching
films
Use synonyms
 on
TV
Use synonyms
,
children
Use synonyms
's
attitude
Fix the agreement mistake
attitudes
show examples
 may change greatly. As
films
Use synonyms
 contain unexpected actions like violence or humiliation, it may impact them, and they may behave in
such
Linking Words
 a way in the future.
Additionally
Linking Words
, it is not recommended for
children
Use synonyms
 to watch screens as it can be addictive.
For instance
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 who used to watch different shows and
films
Use synonyms
 became more addicted to
TV
Use synonyms
, and scientists
also
Linking Words
 noticed that it could lead to increased anxiety.
Thus
Linking Words
, as watching different kinds of
films
Use synonyms
 can negatively affect
children
Use synonyms
's way of behaving, it is better if they do not watch anything.    
On the other hand
Linking Words
, excessive screen
time
Use synonyms
 may have a negative effect on the way of acting, like refusing to go outside. Spending too much
time
Use synonyms
 watching
TV
Use synonyms
 can reduce the amount of physical activity
children
Use synonyms
 engage in, leading to a sedentary lifestyle that can contribute to obesity and other health problems.
Children
Use synonyms
 who spend too much
time
Use synonyms
 watching
TV
Use synonyms
 may be less likely to engage in physical activities like playing outside, riding bikes, or participating in sports, which are important for their physical and mental health.
For example
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 scientists, excessive
TV
Use synonyms
 watching can impact mental health by reducing the release of endorphins and other "feel-good" hormones that are typically increased during physical activities.
Therefore
Linking Words
, overwatching has many negative effects on
children
Use synonyms
, and it might cause obesity
due to
Linking Words
 a lack of physical activity.    In conclusion, both overwatching and what they watch have negative effects,
such
Linking Words
 as increased anxiety and obesity. In my view, if parents control what their
children
Use synonyms
 are watching or how much
time
Use synonyms
 they are spending, it may decrease the negative effects on attitude.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Make sure to include clear, specific examples to support your main points. This strengthens your argument and demonstrates your understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Work on creating more logical connections between ideas and paragraphs. This will help in presenting your argument more clearly and cohesively.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. This clarity will enhance the overall structure and readability of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-presented, summarizing the topic and your viewpoint effectively.
task achievement
You have addressed both views of the topic, showing a balanced understanding and providing a fair discussion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: