IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that only the goverment can make significant changes in society while others think that individuals can have a lot of influence. What is your opinion?

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Issues related to the impactful ways of developing communities are frequently discussed these days. It is argued that remarkable changes in the cities are
due to
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 state administrators,
while
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 others believe that citizens can participate in
this
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, as they are the majority power of nations.
This
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 essay will look at two points of view and explain why I think both of these determinants play a crucial role in
this
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 case. On the one hand, many trust that enhancing our hometown belongs to the government agencies. The main reason is that they have the right administrative powers through elections to control and release laws, regulations and tax systems. To explain, making adjustments to infrastructures or main facilities
in particular
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 areas requires authority in city planning from the centre.
For instance
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, Bangkok's people recently demanded for revision of the cityscape by relocating public electric wire underground and supplementing more greenery spaces. So
for
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this
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 reason, political party members are directly responsible for flourishing metropolises based on their initial campaign policies.
Conversely
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, some argue that there are numerous aspects of individuals influencing their places, as they are the foundation of societies. Owning to the increasing of crimes, police officers can not patrol enough to protect inhabitants
however
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 we can teach our kids about morals or ethics refining them to have decency.
For example
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,
according to
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 recent research by Chulalongkorn University, submitting well-teaching and warm empathy to children
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 decrease criminal rates by more than 50 per cent. The more carefully we give attention to our descendants, the better the society we can create. All things considered, both governments and individuals are the main factors in developing countries, as they can cover all of the city's problem's diverse aspects.

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coherence cohesion
While the essay provides a well-developed response, a clearer connection between the ideas and their relationship to the overall argument would enhance coherence. Specifically, consider using more transition phrases to guide the reader from one point to the next smoothly.
task achievement
Ensure that each main point is elaborated upon with specific details, examples, and reasoning. This will not only strengthen your argument but also demonstrate a thorough understanding of the topic.
introduction conclusion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and effective. However, avoid repetition and ensure that the conclusion synthesizes the points discussed, reinforcing the essay's overall argument.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced view by addressing both sides of the argument, which is essential for a high task response score.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. This enhances readability and allows the reader to follow the argument easily.
supported main points
The use of specific examples and research, such as the reference to Chulalongkorn University, adds credibility to the arguments and demonstrates the writer's knowledge on the subject.
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