some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. why is this the case? do you think this is a positive or negative development?

Recently, many
adolescences
Replace the word
adolescents
show examples
occupied
Wrong verb form
occupy
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their most of time
through
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with
show examples
Add an article
the gadget
a gadget
show examples
gadget
Fix the agreement mistake
gadgets
show examples
.
This
phenomenon
is
Wrong verb form
has been
show examples
raised for the past 10 years as one of the consequences
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
the growth of
technology
. In my opinion,
this
case should be
positive
Add an article
a positive
show examples
sign if it is followed by increasing parent wisdom.
However
,
dispite
Correct your spelling
despite
the the fact that too much time spent on
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
could
caused
Change the verb form
cause
be caused
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health
problem
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problems
show examples
for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
in the future. In
this
era, the
fast changing
Add a hyphen
fast-changing
show examples
in
technology
is undeniable for human
being
Fix the agreement mistake
beings
show examples
including
children
. The growth in
technology
should be balanced with people’s wisdom.
Parents
need to update their ability to nurture their kids which
fit
Correct subject-verb agreement
fits
show examples
in
this
digital era. With the better knowledge of the
parents
on how to deal with contemporary parental methodology,
technology
will no longer be a
threads
Correct the article-noun agreement
thread
show examples
for them. On the one hand,
gadget
Fix the agreement mistake
gadgets
show examples
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
changed people’s behaviour and could
raised
Change the verb form
raise
show examples
any
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
health problems in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
long term. The least effect of continuously
used
Wrong verb form
using
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of
smartphone
is tiring eyes.
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
show examples
the radiation of
gadget
could reduce the eye function. The fast movement of the videos or pictures on the
smartphone
can change the
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
of the
children
to
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
more
tantrum
Fix the agreement mistake
tantrums
show examples
and become addictive.
Finally
, to overcome
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
issues,
parents
should make
a rules
Correct the article-noun agreement
rules
a rule
show examples
on the
used
Replace the word
use
show examples
of
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
for example
set
Wrong verb form
setting
show examples
time
limitation
Fix the agreement mistake
limitations
show examples
each
Change preposition
for each
show examples
day
Replace the word
daily
show examples
use. In conclusion, the
used
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use
show examples
of any kind of
gadget
gave
Verb problem
is
show examples
more beneficial
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
the growth of
children
as long as it is followed by the knowledge of the
parents
to update their parental nurture.
On the other hand
,
parents
still need to make guidance and regulation on the
used
Replace the word
use
show examples
of
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
to prevent health
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
.
Submitted by nourmarasyidah on

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task achievement
Make sure to proofread your essay to correct small errors like grammar mistakes and inappropriate word choices. For example, 'adolescences' should be 'adolescents' and 'threads' should be 'threats.'
task achievement
In the introduction, provide a brief overview of the issues before giving your opinion. This will help set the context for your arguments.
task achievement
While discussing problems caused by smartphone usage, give more specific examples and evidence. For instance, cite studies or statistics that show the negative effects on children's health.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main idea. This will improve the logical structure of your essay and make it easier for readers to follow your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Include transition words and phrases to connect ideas between sentences and paragraphs more smoothly. This will improve the overall flow and cohesion of your essay.
coherence cohesion
In the conclusion, briefly restate the main points discussed in the essay before giving your final opinion. This will make your conclusion more comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which provides a good structure for presenting your ideas.
task achievement
You have addressed both the causes and effects of children spending too much time on their smartphones, which shows a balanced understanding of the issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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