IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some Children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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While
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 it is widely claimed that
younger
Correct article usage
the younger
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 generation
spend
Change the verb form
spends
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 hours daily on their smartphone nowadays, others argue that there are possible factors that contributed to
this
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 trend. Both
Correct article usage
the cause
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cause
Fix the agreement mistake
causes
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 of
screentime
Correct your spelling
screen time
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of
Change preposition
for
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youngster
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youngsters
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 and
reasons
Correct article usage
the reasons
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 why I believe it can
lead
Verb problem
have
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 a negative impact on them will be elaborated on in
this
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 essay.
To begin
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 with, it may
seems
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seem
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 sensible for some to believe that kids spend time on screen more than in the past.
This
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 is
possibly
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possible
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 because the advancement of technology and the multifunction of the device can be used in various aspects; entertainment or educational
purpose
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purposes
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.
Along with
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 the exposure
of
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to
show examples
 technologies
since
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from
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young
Correct article usage
a young
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, it
promote
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promotes
show examples
 the rise of screentime as well. In
this
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 respect, there is
an
Correct article usage
apply
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evident
Replace the word
evidence
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 from a research centre
shown
Wrong verb form
showing
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 that more than 90% of
the
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apply
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children
uses
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use
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 their smartphones
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for atleast
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atleast
Correct your spelling
at least
an hours
Correct the article-noun agreement
hours
an hour
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 either for socializing or surfing for
the
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apply
show examples
informations
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information
pieces of information
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.
However
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, I personally argue in favour of its potential drawbacks both psychological and physical effects of
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this
Correct determiner usage
these
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worried
Replace the word
worrying
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 trends. Psychologically speaking,
by exposing
Verb problem
exposure
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 to the device daily as an amusement can promote addiction just like drugs. To exemplify, internet addiction is now reported as
new
Add an article
a new
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 symptom in psychology these days.
Moreover
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, there are many health problems related
with
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to
show examples
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
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can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
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 be observed
such
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 as eye
straint
Correct your spelling
strain
strains
 and muscle strain
due to
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 extensive usage of eyes focusing on the device and inappropriate postures. In summary,
although
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 it is undeniable that
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
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 can be seen as basic devices that children use
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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daily, I am of the opinion that
this
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 rising trend could possibly pose a serious threat
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the young in the future both their health and
emotion
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emotions
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 and
this
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 should not be neglected in order to maintain good health for the children.

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task achievement
Try to proofread your essay to avoid grammatical errors and improve sentence structure for a clearer expression of ideas. For example, sentences like 'kids spend time on screen more than in the past' could be refined to 'kids spend more time on screens now compared to the past.'
task achievement
Work on ensuring that all your main points are fully developed. For instance, when discussing psychological effects, provide more detailed explanations or examples to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Focus on the logical flow of ideas between paragraphs. Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next to maintain the coherence of the overall argument.
task achievement
The essay successfully addresses both parts of the question: reasons for high smartphone usage among children and the negative impacts of this trend.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are clearly present and provide a good framework for the essay.
task achievement
There are specific examples included, such as references to research, which help to support the argument being made.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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