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Band 5

Some Children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
While
 it is widely claimed that
younger
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the younger
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 generation
spend
Change the verb form
spends
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 hours daily on their smartphone nowadays, others argue that there are possible factors that contributed to
this
 trend. Both
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the cause
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cause
Fix the agreement mistake
causes
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 of
screentime
Correct your spelling
screen time
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of
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for
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youngster
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youngsters
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 and
reasons
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the reasons
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 why I believe it can
lead
Verb problem
have
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 a negative impact on them will be elaborated on in
this
 essay.
To begin
 with, it may
seems
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seem
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 sensible for some to believe that kids spend time on screen more than in the past.
This
 is
possibly
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possible
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 because the advancement of technology and the multifunction of the device can be used in various aspects; entertainment or educational
purpose
Fix the agreement mistake
purposes
show examples
.
Along with
 the exposure
of
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to
show examples
 technologies
since
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from
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young
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a young
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, it
promote
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promotes
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 the rise of screentime as well. In
this
 respect, there is
an
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apply
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evident
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evidence
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 from a research centre
shown
Wrong verb form
showing
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 that more than 90% of
the
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apply
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children
uses
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use
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 their smartphones
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for atleast
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atleast
Correct your spelling
at least
an hours
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hours
an hour
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 either for socializing or surfing for
the
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apply
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informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
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.
However
, I personally argue in favour of its potential drawbacks both psychological and physical effects of
this
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these
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worried
Replace the word
worrying
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 trends. Psychologically speaking,
by exposing
Verb problem
exposure
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 to the device daily as an amusement can promote addiction just like drugs. To exemplify, internet addiction is now reported as
new
Add an article
a new
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 symptom in psychology these days.
Moreover
, there are many health problems related
with
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to
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smartphone
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smartphones
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can
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that can
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 be observed
such
 as eye
straint
Correct your spelling
strain
strains
 and muscle strain
due to
 extensive usage of eyes focusing on the device and inappropriate postures. In summary,
although
 it is undeniable that
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
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 can be seen as basic devices that children use
it
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apply
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daily, I am of the opinion that
this
 rising trend could possibly pose a serious threat
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the young in the future both their health and
emotion
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emotions
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 and
this
 should not be neglected in order to maintain good health for the children.
Submitted by kamonluck1999 on

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task achievement
Try to proofread your essay to avoid grammatical errors and improve sentence structure for a clearer expression of ideas. For example, sentences like 'kids spend time on screen more than in the past' could be refined to 'kids spend more time on screens now compared to the past.'
task achievement
Work on ensuring that all your main points are fully developed. For instance, when discussing psychological effects, provide more detailed explanations or examples to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Focus on the logical flow of ideas between paragraphs. Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next to maintain the coherence of the overall argument.
task achievement
The essay successfully addresses both parts of the question: reasons for high smartphone usage among children and the negative impacts of this trend.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are clearly present and provide a good framework for the essay.
task achievement
There are specific examples included, such as references to research, which help to support the argument being made.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: