IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Women should have an equal role alongside men in both police and armed forces. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Gender
Use synonyms
 equality has been a widespread discourse around the globe as thousands of
women
Use synonyms
 fight for their rights' fulfilment through demonstrations and campaigns. Some people believe that equality has to be established in professional areas, which allows
women
Use synonyms
 to have the same role in dangerous occupations, namely police and military.
This
Linking Words
 will be proven true by discussing
women
Use synonyms
's physical
ability
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 and how society will unravel their true potential without discrimination.
Firstly
Linking Words
, there is a misogynistic belief about how
women
Use synonyms
 are much weaker than men, which is not necessarily true if all genders are given the same physical training. Take Indonesia,
for example
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, female and male cadets have to go through the same length of physical practice,
hence
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 why they are equally strong and able to walk for 30 kilometres
while
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 carrying 12 kilograms of belongings as the final test.
Consequently
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, if
women
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 have the same opportunity to physically train, they will have the same or even more strength than men so they deserve to have an equal role in any occupation.
Thus
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,
women
Use synonyms
's physical
ability
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 is not the reason for the public to marginalize
women
Use synonyms
, especially in harsh professional environments.
Secondly
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, less discrimination against
women
Use synonyms
 results in more potential to be unravelled. To illustrate, we might lose many good quality general officers or army because
women
Use synonyms
 are not allowed to have important roles in police and armed forces as
ability
Use synonyms
 is not based on
gender
Use synonyms
, so
women
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 are not equal to incompetency.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, it is very unthinkable we talk about how much-buried potential is in the world
due to
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 the lack of opportunities for
women
Use synonyms
.
As a result
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,
gender
Use synonyms
 inequality ought to be managed as we are not able to find as much hidden potential as we can and it is a huge disadvantage for the country. In conclusion,
gender
Use synonyms
 disparity has to be erased, especially in the occupational field because
women
Use synonyms
 are not something to be belittled.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
this
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 is because
women
Use synonyms
's physical
ability
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 is not much different than men's and will result in more excellent quality armed forces.

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structure
Ensure a clear and consistent structure throughout your essay, with well-defined paragraphs that logically progress from one idea to the next.
introduction/conclusion
Begin with a strong introductory paragraph that outlines your position on the topic and end with a conclusive paragraph that summarises your argument effectively.
supporting points
Support your main points with concrete examples or evidence to strengthen your argument and make it more persuasive.
task response
Work on the thoroughness of your response by addressing all parts of the topic, presenting a balanced view if the question requires it, and crafting a persuasive argument based on the task prompt.
relevance
Make sure the ideas you present are directly relevant to the prompt and contribute to the development of your position; avoid deviating with information that may be interesting but is not directly related to the task.
language
Vary your sentence structures and use a wider range of vocabulary to demonstrate language proficiency and keep the reader engaged.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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