IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

The prevention of health problems and illness is more important than treatment and medicine. Government funding should reflect this. To what extent do you agree?

#prevention #health #illness #treatment #medicine #government
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In the present day, there is always a reality
that is
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 preventing
health
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 problems and illness is more essential than handling and
cure
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.
As a result
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, it should be imaged by the funding
that is
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 managed by authorities. First of all,
that is
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 very apparent when a person always can be diseased, and preventing
health
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 is the best method. Our body has a “shield”-The immune system,
this
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 “shield” helps us counter almost disease, virus, or changing weather. Not only that, improving
this
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 shield is very simple because we only practice every day. If we improve our
health
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, we will be stronger in a long time.
Furthermore
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, it is cheaper than any
treatment
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 or
medicine
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.
For example
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, an economic survey in the UK shows that the cost of
medicine
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 is usually twice as expensive as investing in some equipment to work out.
However
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, almost of patients have to continuously use the
medicine
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, and that makes a big loan for the patient.
On the other hand
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, having
treatment
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 will need a lot of time to finish it. From that, it has many problems we will have to face If we have some
cure
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.
However
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, the
cure
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 is still portable if governments do not allocate funding to support the
treatment
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 and develop
medicine
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, it can create a significant concern for global healthcare.
Treatment
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 and therapy will be methods to heal patients with a special disease or strong virus. Our body has an immune system but it is not enough to escape from dangerous viruses.
For instance
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, In 2019, our global appeared a guest has never been welcomed- COVID-19, they made a disease that killed many people in many parts of the world. To counter
this
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, people had to be vaccinated to be stronger. After that, the government should spend more money to make
medicine
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 more effective. All in all, we cannot contradict that protecting
health
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 is better than
cure
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.
However
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, the government still needs to improve both of them to improve society and our lives.
Submitted by dohuyhoang on

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Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion but could benefit from a more structured argument. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and logically connects to the others.
Task Achievement
Some points in your essay feel underdeveloped. Providing more detailed examples and explanations will make your argument more persuasive.
Coherence and Cohesion
The ideas in your essay are clear, but sometimes the language and grammar make it difficult to follow your argument. Consider revising for clarity and grammatical accuracy.
Task Achievement
The essay clearly addresses the topic and provides a balanced perspective, considering both prevention and treatment.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have provided a clear introduction and a conclusion that summarizes your main points, which strengthens the overall coherence of the essay.
Task Achievement
The use of specific examples, like the economic survey in the UK and the COVID-19 pandemic, adds relevance and specificity to your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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