IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree of disagree with this opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #music #cultures #ages
Nowadays,
music
 is always a hotly debated topic in conversation between both the young and the old. Almost all
people
 love listening to
music
. some individuals believe that
music
 is a good way of bringing
people
 of diverse cultures and ages together. In my point of view, I totally agree with it. The following essay will give my opinion.
Firstly
,
music
 will connect
people
 who come from different cultures because nowadays, the Internet is increasingly developing so there are a lot of bands or singers who are very talented and renowned around the world.
Therefore
, concerts are
also
 held more often and attract a great deal of tourists from all over the world who attend and enjoy the best
songs
 together.
For example
, Blackpink is a very famous
music
 band.
Last
 year, they held a concert in Vietnam and
then
 a lot of
people
 of diverse cultures
such
 as Vietnamese, Chinese or Americans came and had a wonderful time here together.
Secondly
,
music
 helps individuals have connections between generations. Many
songs
 are suitable for both the young and the old in a family to listen
.
Change preposition
to.
show examples
 So members of a family can sit down and enjoy them together.
Then
 they can discuss topics which the
songs
 talk about, it will help the family bond strengthen more.
For instance
, during the Tet holiday, a lot of singers publish new
songs
 or
music
 videos about Tet. At that time, citizens
also
 had free time,
therefore
, they could listen to these
songs
 together and recall things that they did and overcame after a year together. In conclusion, many
people
 claim that
music
 is a great bridge between
people
 from different countries and diverse generations. In my opinion, I totally agree with it.
Submitted by duongntt.tld on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to provide more elaboration on your examples. Explain more about how music connects people of different cultures and age groups at concerts or home settings. This will make your argument more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Work on ensuring more varied sentence structures and avoid repetition of words. For instance, instead of repeatedly using 'together' and 'songs,' use synonyms or rephrase to maintain reader interest.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. This makes it easy to follow your argument.
task achievement
The examples provided, such as the Blackpink concert and Tet holiday songs, are relevant and support your argument well.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
What to do next:
Look at other essays: