IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearence. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Some individuals believe that to be successful, it is essential to
work
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 hard with high willpower.
However
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, others think that other components,
such
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 as
money
Use synonyms
 and
appearance
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, play a vital role in
success
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 in life.
While
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 I agree that
money
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 and
appearance
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 may influence
success
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, they are not permanent and crucial compared with hard
work
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.
This
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 essay will explore several reasons to support
this
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 perspective.
Firstly
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,
money
Use synonyms
 and
appearance
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 are significant factors on the path to
success
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. A rich person can easily afford specific needs that require
money
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 for
success
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.
Likewise
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,
appearance
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 is
also
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 used to achieve some personal interests. A beautiful lady,
for example
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, can be a female model easily if she has a nice
appearance
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.
However
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, both
money
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 and
appearance
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 are not permanent elements, and there are always risks for individuals to lose them.
Thus
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, I agree that these factors are not the most important way to be successful.
Besides
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 that, I firmly regard hard
work
Use synonyms
 as the most effective and lasting way to achieve something noteworthy in life. Many things in life need effort, and it requires determination that comes from our will;
therefore
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, it is valuable for me.
Moreover
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,
this
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 effort has a lasting effect that teaches us some insights, so
success
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 through hard
work
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 is more crucial and influential.
For instance
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, many successful people come from economically disadvantaged areas and eventually receive high salaries through working hard in their fields. In conclusion,
although
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 many consider
money
Use synonyms
 and
appearance
Use synonyms
 as key elements for
success
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, I acknowledge that hard
work
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 and determination are more influential with a lasting impact.
In contrast
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,
appearance
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 and
money
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 are changeable phenomena that teach a person less.
Instead
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, I recommend hard
work
Use synonyms
, which contributes to a person's capacity to prevail.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, consider adding more specific examples and elaborations to support your points. For instance, cite notable individuals who succeeded through hard work.
task achievement
While you have addressed both views, try to present counter-arguments for a more comprehensive discussion. For example, explain why some people may value money and appearance over hard work.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph maintains a clear focus. Occasionally, the sentences can be more aligned with the main point of the paragraph for better cohesion.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly outlines the two contrasting views and sets the stage for the discussion, which is excellent for coherence.
task achievement
You present your opinion clearly and support it with logical reasoning, which strengthens the task achievement.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your view and reiterates the main arguments, providing a satisfying end to the essay.
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