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Band 4.5

In the modern world, it is no longer necessary to use animals and animal products for food, clothing and medicine. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give your opinion based on your knowledge and experience.

#world #animals #products #food #medicine
The world has changed a lot over the past 50 years. Scientists have spent a lot of time in research, to find ways to improve the quality and ingredients of consumer items. A lot of innovation has been seen in the
Food
, clothing and
medicine
industry
Fix the agreement mistake
industries
show examples
. In
well developed
Add a hyphen
well-developed
show examples
 countries like Australia, France and Germany people have alternatives to animal
products
 for daily consumption items
such
 as
food
, clothing and
medicine
.
Further
 research on
this
 must be held so that animal
products
 can be completely substituted by other
products
.
In other words
, animal
products
 are necessary for
food
, clothing and
medicine
 in the modern world. All the alternatives for animal and animal
products
 have side effects.
For example
, the lab meat does not have the right amount of
nutritions
Fix the agreement mistake
nutrition
show examples
 required. Clothes made of material other than animal skin cause severe skin diseases.
Similarly
, medicines that are not made of animal
products
 are less effective. In a recent survey conducted by a famous fashion agency in Pakistan, it was observed that the hair growth on the chest slows down if clothes made of any material other than
animals
Change the noun form
animal
show examples
 skin are excessively used. Another recent study at the Institute of
reasearch
Correct your spelling
research
 proved that medicines without animal
products
 aggravated the disease. There can never be a complete substitute for animals and pure animal
products
, today or tomorrow. They will be necessary for use in
food
, clothing and
medicine
Submitted by hudibaiqbal on

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task response
Ensure the essay remains clearly focused on the main topic throughout. There are moments where the argument goes off track or includes examples that may not be entirely relevant or credible (e.g., the agency survey about hair growth).
coherence cohesion
Strengthen the coherence between paragraphs and within them. Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea that ties back to your thesis statement. Use transition words and phrases to guide the reader smoothly from one point to the next.
task response
While the essay presents examples to support the points, some of them are not sufficiently explained or substantiated. Make sure to use and elaborate on credible examples to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides clear and understandable language and has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task response
The writer shows effort in providing examples to support their argument, which is essential in illustrating and strengthening their points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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