IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

People who cause their own illnesses through unhealthy lifestyles and poor diets should have to pay more for health care. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#people #illnesses #lifestyles #diets #health #care
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The increasing price of
healthcare
 has become a major issue in recent years, as millions of
people
 cannot afford to get better. Some
people
 argue that
people
 whose way of life and eating habits lead them to have diseases must pay more for medical treatment. In my perspective,
people
 who are responsible for their illness should have to contribute towards the cost of their medical treatment. First of all, there is no denying the fact that the number of
people
 who are heroin obsessed is increasing constantly.
Therefore
, to medication these
people
, additional money is needed in
this
 instance.
For
this
 reason, it is advised that
people
 who live unhealthy lifestyles cover their
healthcare
 costs.
For example
, the most recent estimate suggests that billions of dollars are spent on drug addict treatment.
On the other hand
, every year millions of cancer patients pass away
due to
 a lack of finance.
Furthermore
, a financial penalty can be an effective motivator.
People
 may be more likely to adopt positive changes if they are informed that engaging in unhealthy habits might result in greater
healthcare
 costs.
For example
, persons who were pre-diabetic discovered it difficult to give up sugar-filled drinks. They ultimately chose the water move when his doctor warned them about the possible future medical expenses associated with diabetes, and their health significantly improved. In conclusion, even if certain communities argue that
this
 is a poor strategy for avoiding paying
healthcare
 expenses for those who lead unhealthy lives, I agree that
people
 who become ill
due to
 their own mistakes should be held to account for their medical expenses.
Submitted by ieltsamiedu on

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task achievement
While the essay presents relevant support for the arguments, the examples provided could be more directly related to the point being made. Strengthening the connection between examples and main points would enhance clarity.
coherence cohesion
Improve logical structure by ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Linking sentences can help maintain a flow that guides the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Expanding on ideas to provide more depth and clarity will help in presenting clear and comprehensive ideas. This can be achieved by adding more detailed explanations and ensuring that each point is fully developed.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear and direct response to the task, addressing the prompt effectively.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-structured, giving the essay a clear beginning and end.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • burden
  • lifestyle-related diseases
  • healthcare systems
  • personal responsibility
  • preventable diseases
  • healthcare costs
  • ethical considerations
  • penalizing
  • discrimination
  • socio-economic groups
  • deterrent
  • health education
  • financial penalties
  • health inequalities
  • access to healthcare
  • preventive medicine
  • public health goals
  • promoting healthy lifestyles
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