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Writing Samples /
Band 7

Governments give a lot of support to artists, even though some people think it is a waste of money that could have been used elsewhere. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#governments #support #artists #people #waste #money
Nowadays,
artists
 are given much financial support from authorities,
however
, some argue that it is detrimental to the government's funds and should be used for essential things in
society
.
This
 essay will make the case that
although
 finance
artists
 will benefit
society
's beauty, governments ought to spend money to support the core occupation that plays a significant role in
society
's development like teachers. On the one hand, arts make our mental lives
colorful
Change the spelling
colourful
show examples
 and beautiful in various ways and raising money for it will give
artists
 a huge motivation to keep the cities and streets enjoyable. There are no limitations when it comes to
art
. It crosses all races, sexes, and religious boundaries and the artist is the one who has the ability to perform that job efficiently. If those people have the assistance that they need, they will be able to dedicate their passion and enthusiasm to the job.
For example
, many street
artists
 are encouraged to graffiti on the street walls and corners in Ha Noi and by doing so highlight the beauty of the cities and attract a large number of tourists from different countries annually.
However
, I believe that cash provision will be more beneficial if it is used for education.
On the other hand
, government aid should be used to satisfy the salary expectations of important jobs that have a big contribution to
society
.
Art
 might be beneficial at some points, but compared to education, it's inferior in value. Teacher is the person who holds the future of the whole state by nourishing and cultivating the next generation which is children and that's the reason they should be prioritized with financial support above any other jobs. The number of Vietnamese teachers in total has witnessed a dramatic fall of 20% in recent years because of low salaries.
That is
 a clear example of why we have to take the educator's needs on top of the list. I strongly agree with
this
 idea because without education, the state's collapse is guaranteed and
then
 there will be no room for
art
.
To conclude
, even though
art
 can bring us many advantages, the money supporting should be considered to help people whose jobs have a great impact on
society
.
Submitted by maymocsb on

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task achievement
The essay would benefit from a clearer and more precise thesis statement in the introduction. This will help set the stage for the discussion and make your stance more evident from the beginning.
task achievement
Some of the ideas, such as the role of teachers, could be elaborated further to provide a more comprehensive response.
task achievement
Ensure that your conclusion summarises the main points effectively and succinctly restates your opinion.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow by using more transition words and phrases to link paragraphs and ideas smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Try to structure your paragraphs so that each one contains a clear main point followed by supporting details or examples. This will improve the overall coherence of your essay.
task achievement
The essay presents relevant and specific examples, such as the case of street artists in Ha Noi. This strengthens your argument and makes it more persuasive.
task achievement
Both views are discussed, and you clearly present your own opinion, which is important for fulfilling the task requirements.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are generally supported, making the essay informative and showing a good level of understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
There is a logical structure with clear paragraphs, which helps in understanding your argument and points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • promote
  • culture
  • creativity
  • economic growth
  • tourism
  • social development
  • personal development
  • merit
  • financial support
  • balanced
  • transparent
What to do next:
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