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Band 1

Write about the following topic. Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on your children. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#topic #computer #effects #children
Children's
Unnecessary verb
Children
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nowadays are using
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
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 really often and that's something dangerous for many reasons. 
Firstly
, it can
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
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 your brain and your
eye sight
Correct your spelling
eyesight
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.
More
Rephrase
Moreover
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over
Change preposition
apply
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it can cause back hurt. Add to that, these reasons may lead to bigger
problem
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problems
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 in the
fuatcher
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future
.
On the other hand
, using
computer
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computers
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 has some positive
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
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.
Such
 as it can
hel
Correct your spelling
help
[ you with studying, have some fun, and communicate with each other.
Although
 it has many positive effects
its
Replace the word
it's
it is
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 still a bad thing because our health is priceless and nothing is important more than our health. That's why using
Add an article
the computer
a computer
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computer
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computers
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 has more negative effects than
the
Correct article usage
apply
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positive
Correct pronoun usage
positive ones
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.
To sum up
, using
computer
Add an article
a computer
the computer
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 is a good thing with balance and we should be aware of those bad effects
Submitted by aa.alshallal7 on

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task achievement
Your essay could be enhanced by including more specific examples and detailed reasons to support your argument. Drawing on personal experiences or well-known facts would strengthen your points significantly.
coherence cohesion
Try to organize your ideas more clearly. For example, present one point in favor of your argument, explain it fully, and then give an example before moving on to the next point. This will help to strengthen your argument and improve readability.
general
There are a few grammatical errors and awkward phrasings. Careful proofreading could help catch these. You might also consider using more complex sentence structures to convey your thoughts more effectively.
general
You present a clear opinion on the topic and discuss both the advantages and disadvantages of using a computer every day.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion succinctly sums up your argument, making your stance clear.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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