IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In our modern society, some individuals believe that plants and animals that are endangered or extinct are the main cause of environmental problems. While others argue that there are more environmental issues of paramount importance. In my opinion, I will

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In our modern society, some individuals believe that
plants
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 and
animals
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 that are endangered or extinct are the main cause of environmental
problems
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.
While
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 others argue that there are more environmental issues of paramount importance. In my opinion, I will On the one hand, the
loss
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 of
plants
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 and
animals
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 is one of the main causes of environmental
problems
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 and leads to a number of detrimental effects. Around the world,
people
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 cut down trees in order to build buildings or even industrial parks, so there will not be enough trees to support individuals in producing oxygen and preventing flood flow.
Moreover
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,
animals
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 that are on the brink of extinction are still hunted by
people
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 to serve their needs.
For instance
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, humans kill tigers because they want to take their skin and make items
such
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 as wallets,
belts
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and belts
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.
However
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,
people
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 do not know that killing tigers not only brings them to extinction earlier but
also
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 makes it hard to control the population of ecosystems because tigers are predators and they help to balance the population of species.
On the other hand
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, there are a lot of
problems
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 that we need to tackle, not just the
loss
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 of
animals
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 and
plants
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. Those issues, which include pollution and climate change, are the main factors that cause environmental
problems
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 and the
loss
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 of habitats. Take water pollution as an example,
people
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 tend to throw trash into the river, or even the sea.
This
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 will not only affect the whole aquatic environment
,
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apply
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 but
also
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 pollute the water sources, so more and more
people
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 around the world will not have clear water to serve their personal needs. As regards climate change, some
problems
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,
such
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 as melting ice, will lead to an increase in sea level and make several cities flood. In conclusion,
while
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 I accept the view of
people
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 who argue that the main
problems
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 that lead to environmental
problems
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 are the
loss
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 of
animals
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 and
plants
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, I still believe that there are plenty of other
problems
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 that we need to notice.

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task achievement
While your essay covers the main points of the discussion well, it is important to state your own opinion explicitly. Complete the sentence in the introduction where you intended to give your opinion to make it clearer.
coherence cohesion
The essay logically progresses from one idea to the next, but the introduction could be a bit more polished. Specifically, clearly state your own position after presenting the two viewpoints.
task achievement
While you provide specific examples to back up your points, they could benefit from a bit more detail and clarity. For instance, explaining how polluted water sources affect various aspects of daily life would strengthen your argument.
task achievement
You have presented a balanced view by acknowledging both sides of the argument, which adds depth to your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your logical structure is strong. You effectively use paragraphs to separate different points, making it easy to follow your argument.
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