Some people say that what children watch on TV influences their behaviour while others say the amount of time children they spend watching Tv influences their behavior. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Using TV in an ineffective way may make the
children
misbehave. The reasons for
this
partly depend on the
content
they choose to watch and the amount of
time
they wish to spend on it. Despite both of them resulting in bad behaviours, I believe that it is the
content
that makes the
children
bad. The range of
content
that young teenagers consume is without its disadvantages. As they are in the most important period of their cognitive processes, they tend to imitate what they see.
Consequently
, consuming inappropriate, age-restricted shows and films may teach them to act badly and rudely.
For instance
,
children
can mimic the fighting scenes, swearing from intense action movies, or hold wrong political views from unauthorized, banned documentaries. It is
also
true that the amount of
time
youths devote thoroughly influences them. Too much exposure to digital devices often leads to eye illnesses
such
as short-sightedness.
However
, I believe that
this
can be easily changed as it doesn't take as much effort to reduce
time
consumed as changes in their preference for TV
content
.
For example
, it is simple to practice watching TV for 2 hours per day, but it is tough to start watching cartoon shows
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
and restrict action-packed ones. For these reasons, I posit that it is the choice of
content
that matters because not only does it affect
children
's behaviours and beliefs, but it can worsen their mental ability too. A typical example of
this
is the exposure to horror movies that they accidentally jump in, they are haunted and traumatized by scary appearances and unexpected jumpscares. In conclusion,
while
time
devotion is a section that must be considered, the underlying cause of the problem should be what youths choose to see. Inappropriate
content
and toxic factors are harmful effects because of the risk of psychological illnesses.
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task achievement
While the essay addresses the task effectively with a clear position, try to provide a more balanced discussion of both views. Consider adding more examples and justification for the second view regarding the amount of time spent watching TV.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smooth transitions between ideas to enhance the flow of the essay. Working on linking words and phrases more effectively can aid in this effort. Additionally, organizing the essay into more distinct paragraphs can improve the logical flow.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which aids in presenting a well-rounded argument.
task achievement
The main points are supported with some relevant examples, making the ideas more credible.

Fully explain your ideas

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    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
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    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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