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Band 5.5

some people think that living in bad cities is bad for people’s health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #cities #people’s #health
There is a controversial perspective heating up a debate
whether
Change preposition
about whether
show examples
 living in urban
areas
 has bad impacts on people's
health
 or not. I would contend that living in big
cities
 has both negative and positive influence on people’s
health
. Without a shadow of a doubt, settling in megacities brings a
favorable
Change the spelling
favourable
show examples
 influence on the
health
 of residents.
This
 is
due to
 the fact that there is a wealth of
health
 systems in urban
areas
 that are more developed than those in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
rural
areas
.
In addition
, professional medical teams normally concentrate in megacities. To be more specific, Hong Ngoc
hospital
Capitalize word
Hospital
show examples
 can be cited as an outstanding instance since the hospital is efficient in both doctors and equipment in many
specialties
Change the spelling
specialities
show examples
.
Conversely
, the countryside not only has
few
Correct quantifier usage
little
show examples
 medical machinery but
also
 they are far from the residential
areas
.
Thus
, living in big
cities
 does wonders for people’s
health
.
While
 the redeeming feature of living in metropolises is widely acknowledged, its downside still lingers. Obviously, residing in big
cities
 can pose a threat to dwellers'
health
. The explanation for
this
 is that
pollution
 in big
cities
 can do great damage to the
health
 of citizens.
For instance
, air
pollution
; noise
pollution
 and water
pollution
 are one of the most common
pollution
 in urban
areas
 that lead to serious
health
 consequences.
Hence
, dwelling in megacities can worsen the citizens'
health
. In conclusion,
while
 settling in metropolises can be beneficial for people's
health
 through a wide range of
health
 systems, it can
also
bring
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a negative impact on their
health
due to
pollution
.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

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task achievement
The essay addresses the topic and presents a clear stance, but could further elaborate on the positive and negative points. Try to provide more detailed explanations and examples to substantiate your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow between paragraphs. Ensure that each point builds on the previous one, and that transitions between ideas are smooth. This will enhance overall coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
You effectively provide a balanced view by addressing both the positive and negative aspects of living in big cities. This demonstrates your ability to consider multiple perspectives.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your arguments and gives the essay a structured feel.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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