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Band 3

Today Inceasingly, more people have freedom to work or live anywhere in the world due to the development of communication technology and transportation. Do the advantages of this system outweigh disadvantages.

#people #freedom #work #world #development #communication #technology #transportation #system
These days,the government is providing a law
due
Change preposition
apply
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to
banning
Wrong verb form
ban
show examples
 smoking in public areas.A good example of these places would be
restuarants
Correct your spelling
restaurants
.It is considered that
community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities
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 are not
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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allowed to smoke in some distinguished regions.I completely agree with
this
 idea and in
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I will support my own view with some significant examples.
Firstly
,one of the main reasons
of
Change preposition
for
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 banning smoking in public is that it can be harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
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 some people who are involved
by
Change preposition
in
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 illnesses.Take asthma as an example.
Moreover
,not only can be It destructive for people,but
also
 It may create some new diseases for old populations. Another reason why I agree
by
Change preposition
with
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 forbidding smoking in society is that youngsters can be encouraged to smoke
in
Change preposition
at
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low
Correct word choice
young
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 ages.Generally speaking,the majority of juveniles follow the
adults
Change to a genitive case
adult's
adults'
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 attitude.It is argued that,if the government ban smoking in public
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
,young populations will not be involved
by
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in
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 cigarettes.
To conclude
,
although
 some people believe that It should not be banned to smoke in public
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
,I tend to agree with
this
 opinion,because of its danger and encouragement for children.I personally think
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
smoking is full of demerits and It should be banned in all public places.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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task achievement
You did a good job presenting your viewpoint clearly and providing specific examples. However, ensure your introduction is more aligned with the main topic. Instead of focusing on a broader aspect of smoking laws, stay more specific about smoking in public places.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider using more transition words or phrases to better connect your ideas, and ensure smooth progression from one point to another. This helps create a more logical structure.
coherence cohesion
Support your points with more detailed explanations or data where appropriate. For instance, elaborate more on how smoking in public directly affects people with illnesses such as asthma. This will strengthen the support for your arguments.
task achievement
You provided clear examples to support your arguments, which made your position stronger and more relatable.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, making it easy to follow your overall argument.
coherence cohesion
You identified specific reasons, such as the impact on people with illnesses and the influence on youngsters, which added depth to your discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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