IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Parents of obese children should be punished for making them fat. Do you agree or disagree?

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It is often argued that
parents
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 of overweight
children
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 should face consequences for causing their
children
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 to become obese.
This
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 essay agrees with
this
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 statement because parental negligence can lead to severe
health
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 issues for
children
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 and increase the likelihood of them being bullied by their peers. The prevalence of childhood
obesity
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 has reached alarming levels, and the role of
parents
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 in
this
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 epidemic cannot be overstated.
Parents
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 are responsible for managing their
children
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’s diet and ensuring they receive adequate nutrition. A balanced diet rich in proteins, vitamins, and minerals is essential for a child’s growth and development.
Furthermore
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,
parents
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 should actively discourage the consumption of unhealthy foods high in sugars and fats.
For instance
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, controlling the intake of sweets and instant foods can significantly reduce the risk of
obesity
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.
According to
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 recent research,
obesity
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 is a major contributor to heart disease.
Thus
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, responsible parenting involves ensuring
children
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 maintain a healthy diet to prevent
such
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 severe
health
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 complications.
In addition
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 to
health
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 risks, obese
children
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 are more vulnerable to bullying, which can have detrimental effects on their mental
health
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. Bullies often target those who appear physically weaker and less active, and obese
children
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 frequently fall into
this
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 category.
This
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 relentless bullying can erode their self-esteem and confidence, making them easy targets. Prolonged exposure to
such
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 harassment can lead to serious psychological issues, including depression and anxiety. Studies have shown that a significant percentage of students who drop out of school
due to
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 bullying are overweight.
This
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 statistic highlights the critical need for
parents
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 to take proactive measures in preventing
obesity
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 to safeguard their
children
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's mental well-being. In conclusion,
parents
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 should be held accountable if their son or daughter becomes obese, as their
children
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 are more susceptible to
health
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 complications and bullying. Sanctioning
parents
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 might encourage them to take more responsibility for their
children
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’s well-being, ultimately leading to healthier, happier lives for their
children
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.

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task response
The main argument is presented clearly and the essay stays on topic. However, the essay could benefit from a bit more depth and additional examples. Consider discussing counterarguments to show a well-rounded perspective.
coherence
While the structure of the essay is logical, try to ensure that each paragraph flows more smoothly into the next. Use transitional phrases to connect ideas more seamlessly.
coherence
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence to enhance the cohesion of the essay. This would also make it easier for the reader to follow your line of thought.
structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which adequately frame the discussion.
examples
The use of examples, such as the intake of sweets and instant foods, effectively supports the main points.
content
The ideas are comprehensive and relevant, contributing to a strong argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • genetics
  • socio-economic status
  • nutritional education
  • physical activity programs
  • adverse effects
  • mental health issues
  • responsibility sharing
  • implementation
  • privileged families
  • supportive environment
  • lifestyle changes
  • educational campaigns
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