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Band 5

Many countries spend a lot of money on art. Some people think investment in art is necessary, but others say the money is better spent on improving health and education. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#countries #money #art #people #investment #health #education
Art
 is a form of expression that signifies difference. Many
countries
 spend
money
 and effort
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 pieces of
art
 to set them apart from other
countries
, creating their own
identity
. Even so, some people believe that spending should be allocated to improving
health
 and
education
 rather than
Art
.
Although
 both perspectives are valid
Correct word choice
and strengthen
show examples
strengthen
Wrong verb form
strengthened
show examples
 by evidence,
health
 and
education
 must remain the priority of a
country
. From one perspective,
art
 is a form of expression that requires creativity and artistry. Through
art
, history and
identity
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 illustrated, and lots of
countries
 value these and would be willing to spend loads of
money
 towards it.
For instance
, the Indonesian government has allocated around 500 million Rupiah for the construction of Indonesia's first president's statue.
Although
 it is a
wonderous
Replace the word
wonderful
show examples
 amount of
money
, people would look at the statue and remember the
rooots
Correct your spelling
roots
rots
 and
identity
 of Indonesia as a
country
, setting it apart from others.
Thus
,
art
 becomes a necessary investment. Even so, the amount of
money
that is
 spent on
art
 becomes unworthy compared to the improvement of
health
 and
education
.
Although
identity
 as a
country
 is important, the most important factor of a
country
 is the
citizens
 themself. As a developing
country
, Indonesia has a handful of people living in poverty. To spend
money
 for improving
health
 and
education
 would mean
to invest
Change the verb form
investing
show examples
 in the
countries
' future and not only the present.
Citizens
 can be taught
identity
 and history through books but the action of improving
health
 and
education
 can only be done by the government.
Hence
,
money
 should be allocated to
health
 and
education
instead
 of
art
. A
country
 should always focus on their
citizens
, as a
country
 is defined by their
citizens
.
Therefore
, I believe that
money
 should be focused on improving
health
Correct article usage
the health
show examples
 and
education
 of the
citizens
 rather than
art
 pieces.
Submitted by riani.the2 on

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task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples and evidence to support your main points. This will make your argument stronger and more convincing.
task achievement
Make sure to elaborate on each point enough to make the ideas clear and comprehensive. Some points could be explained in more depth.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs and ideas for better flow and readability.
coherence cohesion
You can further develop the argument for both sides by including more details and discussing additional aspects of the issue.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with a well-defined introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
You have addressed both perspectives on the issue quite well, showing a good understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The language used is appropriate and the ideas are clear and easy to follow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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