IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many countries spend a lot of money on art. Some people think investment in art is necessary, but others say the money is better spent on improving health and education. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#countries #money #art #people #investment #health #education
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The allocation of money
vary
Change the verb form
varies
show examples
 among countries. Some say that investment in art is necessary, but others think health and education
is
Change the verb form
are
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 more important.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, I believe that governments should consider the latter more. First of all, having a wide range of arts can help
creates
Wrong verb form
create
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 and
preserves
Correct subject-verb agreement
preserve
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 the country's identity.
For instance
Linking Words
, France invested a lot of money in its museums,
such
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 as The Louvre
Linking Words
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is located in Paris.
This
Linking Words
 not only became an icon, it
also
Linking Words
 became a famous tourist destination, which later
lead
Wrong verb form
led
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 to a higher income for the nation.
Additionally
Linking Words
, living in a place that prioritizes art can help improve one's creativity
as
Correct word choice
so as
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 to excel among other imaginative people.
Therefore
Linking Words
, creating innovations will be an easier task for them.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, making the well-being of the citizens a priority is as important.
While
Linking Words
 having a creative mind is desirable, if one's health condition is not properly maintained,
this
Linking Words
 will render
such
Linking Words
thing
Correct article usage
a thing
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 useless.
However
Linking Words
, if hospitals are easily accessible
for
Change preposition
to
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 all residents,
this
Linking Words
 will lead to a lower stress level and reduce the possibility of an epidemic happening. It is
also
Linking Words
 the country's responsibility to not neglect
it's
Correct your spelling
its
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 people physical condition. As for education, surveys
also
Linking Words
 have shown that countries with a higher literacy rate tend to improve exponentially compared to others with a high illiteracy rate.
Furthermore
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, more bright
entreperneurs
Correct your spelling
entrepreneurs
 and workers will be
borned
Correct your spelling
born
 from the states,
hence
Linking Words
also
Linking Words
 helping with the nation's economy. To sum it all up, spending budget on art serves some benefits
Linking Words
for
Add the comma(s)
, for
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 example, improving creativity and increasing profits from tourism.
However
Linking Words
, maintaining good health and proper studies for the citizens is more crucial
due to
Linking Words
 the
long term
Add a hyphen
long-term
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 advantages it
provide
Change the verb form
provides
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 like reducing stress
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
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 and increasing literacy
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
.
Submitted by riani.the2 on

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task achievement
Make sure to elaborate more on your main points. For example, when discussing art's role in creating identity, you can also mention how it fosters cultural pride or unity among citizens.
task achievement
Work on providing more specific examples in certain points, like what direct consequences can result from lower stress levels due to accessible healthcare.
coherence cohesion
Use more varied linking words to better connect ideas, such as 'however,' 'on the contrary,' or 'moreover,' which helps flow between opposing viewpoints.
coherence cohesion
You have structured your essay with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion, which helps in understanding your argument.
task achievement
Both perspectives of the topic are addressed in the essay, demonstrating consideration of the prompt requirements.
task achievement
The points about arts boosting tourism and enhancing creativity are well-articulated as benefits, showing a good understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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