IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success?

Personal success is something that everybody has wanted to achieve since time immemorial,
however
Linking Words
, equality plays an important role in
this
Linking Words
 achievement. Personally, I think that it is easier to succeed in an unequal society but only if you are one of those who have opportunities. Despite that, it is more fair to be successful in an equal world. In so many countries all around the world, opportunities
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 studying or working are not well distributed,
while
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 a part of the population has the chance to have a good
education
Use synonyms
 and apply for a qualified job where they can earn so much money, the other part is not able to do all
this
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 so they can not compete with the rich. Indeed, if you have got a good
education
Use synonyms
 it will be much easier for you to be hired in a large company than if you are part of one of those who did not have the chance to go to school or university.
For example
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, a study published in Forbes magazine indicates that in unequal countries like South Africa, it is easier to succeed because competition is very low.
Nevertheless
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, a moral problem is present in the topic. In fact, it is impartial for the individuals who do not have the same chances. If the world was equal, it would gain
in
Change preposition
apply
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justice because every person would have the same
education
Use synonyms
 and the same opportunities to achieve a good post. Even if it is true that if we all had the same
education
Use synonyms
 it would be of lower quality, it would be so much fair.
For instance
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, an important sociologist from Spain called Diego Soto states in his personal podcast that it would be morally correct to succeed on the same basis as everyone else.
To conclude
Linking Words
, success can be easy to achieve if you have the
chances
Fix the agreement mistake
chance
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 in an uneven population but is much fairer to succeed in a fair one.

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Task Achievement
Expand your introduction to clearly state your main argument and provide a brief overview of your main points. This will help the reader understand your position better.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use more linking words and phrases to improve the flow of your ideas, making it easier to understand the connections between your points.
Task Achievement
Include more variety in your examples and explain them in more detail to strengthen your argument and show a deeper understanding of the topic.
Task Achievement
You present a clear opinion about the relationship between equality and personal achievement, which is important in task response.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a logical flow, especially in the conclusion, summarizing your main points well.
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