In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success?

Personal success is something that everybody has wanted to achieve since time immemorial,

however

Linking Words

, equality plays an important role in

this

Linking Words

achievement. Personally, I think that it is easier to succeed in an unequal society but only if you are one of those who have opportunities. Despite that, it is more fair to be successful in an equal world. In so many countries all around the world, opportunities

Change preposition

for

show examples

studying or working are not well distributed,

while

Linking Words

a part of the population has the chance to have a good

education

Use synonyms

and apply for a qualified job where they can earn so much money, the other part is not able to do all

this

Linking Words

so they can not compete with the rich. Indeed, if you have got a good

education

Use synonyms

it will be much easier for you to be hired in a large company than if you are part of one of those who did not have the chance to go to school or university.

For example

Linking Words

, a study published in Forbes magazine indicates that in unequal countries like South Africa, it is easier to succeed because competition is very low.

Nevertheless

Linking Words

, a moral problem is present in the topic. In fact, it is impartial for the individuals who do not have the same chances. If the world was equal, it would gain

Change preposition

apply

show examples

justice because every person would have the same

education

Use synonyms

and the same opportunities to achieve a good post. Even if it is true that if we all had the same

education

Use synonyms

it would be of lower quality, it would be so much fair.

For instance

Linking Words

, an important sociologist from Spain called Diego Soto states in his personal podcast that it would be morally correct to succeed on the same basis as everyone else.

To conclude

Linking Words

, success can be easy to achieve if you have the

chances

Fix the agreement mistake

chance

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in an uneven population but is much fairer to succeed in a fair one.

santos_dijMon Jul 17 2023

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Task Achievement

Expand your introduction to clearly state your main argument and provide a brief overview of your main points. This will help the reader understand your position better.

Coherence and Cohesion

Use more linking words and phrases to improve the flow of your ideas, making it easier to understand the connections between your points.

Task Achievement

Include more variety in your examples and explain them in more detail to strengthen your argument and show a deeper understanding of the topic.

Task Achievement

You present a clear opinion about the relationship between equality and personal achievement, which is important in task response.

Coherence and Cohesion

Your essay has a logical flow, especially in the conclusion, summarizing your main points well.

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7
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 6.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 6.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

323 words

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