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Writing Samples
Band 6

In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success?

Nowadays, there has been a rising reflection on the relation
that is
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 held between equality and personal achievements; some
people
Use synonyms
 think gives more opportunities
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while
Punctuation problem
, while
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 others believe that the path towards success is freedom from failure or winning. I believe that equality slows down hardworking citizens, but
also
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 gives more opportunities to pursue our centres of interest. On the one hand,
this
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 relationship is not favourable for everyone, as it limits
people
Use synonyms
 regarding their revenue. Some individuals aim for better jobs or higher ranks;
however
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, since everyone gets the same amount of money, the efforts would be in vain
since
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, since
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 nothing compensates them.
Furthermore
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,
people
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 aiming to buy expensive things would be disadvantaged as they cannot count on a better job to get money.
For instance
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, planning a trip to New York is very expensive.
Consequently
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, individuals might have to hustle and work on their free time for a long time before they save up enough money to go to New York
On the other hand
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,
this
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 “equal opportunity”-based organisation grants a lot of freedom regarding the future persons want, in terms of interest.
Firstly
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, choosing to work in a specific subject is easier since every job has the same salary.
Moreover
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, studying is
also
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 affected positively, as studies can be very costly in non-egalitarian nations;
this
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 type of organisation can make it affordable for everybody.
For example
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, achieving a degree in dance is easier; students can now achieve their goals regardless of living in poverty, in case they do not become a star.
To conclude
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, the relationship between equality and one’s achievements can be adverse to
people
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 desiring more capital, but it is positive if one aspires to work in the field he is interested in.

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planning
Plan your answer before you write. Say your view in the first line and keep to that view.
development
In each paragraph, have one main idea and add a small fact or example to back it up.
language
Use short and clear words. Avoid hard or long phrases.
structure
End with a clear line that restates your view.
balance
You show both sides of the issue.
evidence
You give concrete examples like travel and study costs.
idea
You state your own view clearly.
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