IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success?

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Nowadays, the balance between equality and personal achievement remains a crucial question. It is argued that personal accomplishment depends only on individual merits and
consequently
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, if people are free to succeed or fail because of their own work. I totally disagree with that statement. I believe that to succeed we need to have enough resources and
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 if we live in an egalitarian society, individuals could focus more on their goals. In modern societies, there are many different people. Those can be cultural, religious and
also
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 political differences.
However
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, in all cases, there are those who spend all their time fighting because of the inequalities. In my opinion, I think that people should centre their attention on their goals and forget their differences.
For instance
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, my biology teacher once said that humans biologically spend time criticizing and comparing those who are different.
Due to
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this
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, those who lose their time with those distractions rather than focus on their goals and objectives. So, with an egalitarian society, the nation will forget inequalities and will be more focused. Another argument is that everyone must have the same means to reach their personal achievement. It is known that in some countries in Africa or Asia, some have very few possibilities to live well.
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, it seems very difficult for them to succeed.
For example
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, a youngster from Niger that does not go to school and he is always working for his family will have many more difficulties making money and having a stable job in a company compared to a young adolescent from New York with all the resources of his family.
To conclude
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, I totally disagree with the statement of individuals who believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible because of their merits. I think that humans need to have enough resources to succeed and
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 if they do not compare themselves they can center their attention more on their work and have more personal success.

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coherence and cohesion
Try to link your ideas more effectively to improve the overall flow of your essay. Use cohesive devices such as 'furthermore', 'in addition', or 'however' to guide the reader through your arguments more smoothly.
task achievement
Expand on your main points with more detailed examples and explanations. This will help provide a clearer understanding of your arguments and enhance your overall response.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly supports your thesis statement. Each point made in a paragraph should directly relate back to your main argument about equality and personal achievement.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear stance and effectively communicates your opinion on the relationship between equality and personal achievement.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples to support your points, such as the comparison between a youngster in Niger and one in New York, which enriches your argument.
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