IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Write about the following topic: Some people choose to eat no meat or fish. They believe that this is not only better for their own health but also benefits the world as a whole. Discuss this view and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#topic #people #meat #fish #health #world
Eating
meat
 or
fish
 is the most popular trend in the decade. There are some who believe that it helps for being healthy and saving environmental resources, whilst others disagree and argue that
meat
 or
fish
 is the best energy for humans. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both positions, and I will conclude with my opinion. On one hand, several disease rates have increased in contemporary society
due to
people
 liking to eat
food
 that gives high energy.
Meat
 of
fish
 become the industrial
food
.
As a result
, sickness has appeared in
people
 who usually receive chemicals from industrial
food
, especially
meat
 and
fish
.
For example
, in the USA, 50% of American
people
 like to eat burgers around once per week. It is undeniable that
people
 become fat and unhealthy.
On the other hand
, there are
also
 many
people
 who place more value on the environment .
For instance
, vegan
people
 do not have diseases from chemical
food
 and
also
 protect the global environment. Veganism does not influence only the person who eats like
this
Rephrase
;
show examples
also
 with it
affects
Rephrase
also affects
show examples
 the world as a whole. The advantage of stopping eating animals is quite high
such
 as water consumption
is
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 quite reduced, the amount of wild thing waste
decreases
Wrong verb form
decreasing
show examples
 in conjunction with it
provides
Wrong verb form
providing
show examples
 a better impact on marine habits and living creatures. To
repitulate
Correct your spelling
recapitulate
,
although
,
vegen
Correct your spelling
vegan
 become the new trend that
express
Change the verb form
expresses
show examples
 how good health and benefits the nature. I totally agree with balancing diet, which
incloude
Correct your spelling
include
includes
 both
meat
or
Correct word choice
and
show examples
fish
.
People
 should be educated how
Correct article usage
the proporsion
show examples
proporsion
Correct your spelling
proportion
proportions
 of
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
 that will be enough.
With
Change preposition
This
show examples
this
solution
Add a comma
solution,
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will
be benefited
Wrong verb form
benefit
show examples
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
both health and
environment
Correct article usage
the environment
show examples
.
Submitted by amittawin on

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task achievement
In your introduction, try to clearly outline the main points you will discuss in your essay. This will help set the stage and make your position clearer from the outset.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that relates back to the main argument. This will improve the logical flow of your essay.
task achievement
Avoid overgeneralizing; instead, use more specific examples or data to back up your points. This will make your argument stronger and more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Review your grammar and lexical choices to avoid simple errors. Accurate language usage will make your essay easier to understand and more professional.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear position in the conclusion, which wraps up your discussion effectively.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples, such as the one about American eating habits, which added validity to your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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