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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that parents should teach their children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the best place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #parents #children #members #society #school #place
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Education
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 on how to be positive members of
society
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 is believed by some individuals to be the responsibility of
parents
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,
while
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 others argue that
schools
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 are better places to teach it. From my point of view,
schools
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 need to be the major responsible for
this
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 type of
education
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, in order to offer equal information and discipline.
Parents
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 play a significant role in their development because they are the first contact of learning that many
children
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 have. They teach their
children
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 how to talk, walk, and behave around others even before they go to preschool, so
consequently
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, many people believe
parents
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 must be responsible for teaching their
children
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 how to be acceptable members of
society
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.
For instance
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, many
children
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 reflect their
parents
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' behaviour in
society
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, so if a child is born into a polite family, they will behave politely with others.
However
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, the other way around can be true as well because many
children
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 can be influenced negatively by their home environment, so I believe
parents
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 should not play a principal role in
this
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 type of
education
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On the other hand
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,
schools
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 are projected to have an equal
education
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, where every child learns the same information and knowledge of ethics, obedience, and other
society
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's values from the beginning.
Moreover
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,
schools
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 have a significant scenario of diverse socialization where
children
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 interact with individuals from various backgrounds and perspectives. So,
for example
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, it is well-known that military
schools
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 have strong discipline and influence their student's behaviour in
society
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.
For
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this
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 reason, I think
schools
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 should be the primary reference for
children
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 to be positive members of
society
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. In conclusion,
although
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 some individuals believe
parents
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 are primarily responsible for educating their
children
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 on how to behave positively in
society
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 as they play an important role in their development, I think
schools
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 are better places to offer an equal
education
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 and a crucial environment for
society
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’s values.
Submitted by kahenahoffmann on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a comprehensive viewpoint on the topic, addressing both sides of the argument and clearly expressing your opinion. However, consider adding a bit more depth to the examples provided. Specific, real-world cases or studies could strengthen your argument. For instance, discussing specific programs in schools that successfully foster societal values might be beneficial.
coherence cohesion
To enhance clarity and flow, be mindful of repetitive phrases and consider varying your sentence structure. Additionally, ensuring that all points within paragraphs directly support the topic sentence would contribute to greater coherence. For example, rather than reiterating broadly what schools teach, you might delve into specific subjects or programs.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear and logical essay structure with a strong introduction and conclusion that effectively encapsulate your main points. This strengthens your essay's overall cohesion.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear and comprehensive, and you support them with relevant explanations. This demonstrates a good task response, showing you understand the requirements of the question.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
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