IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Both men and woman care more about their appearance today than they did in the past. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#men #woman #care #appearance
Today, males and females are more concerned about their looks than in the past, the essay will agree because the statement showed me something about my reality and something I see every day.
This
 is unfortunately sad, our society changing, and sometimes people change to be better sometimes not, one of the bad things that changing badly is concern about looks, and it’s horrible because it is not something we can choose, I know many people who did not accept their look and try to change it every day and
this
 makes them lose confidence in themselves, In Oxford University research, it was found that most people who suffer from communication problems are the same who are concerned about their appearance. But that happened? With time we began to appreciate beauty,
however
, we did not know the limit, and we misunderstood the meaning of beauty, we started asking about beauty in everything, that really bad, and now we do not know anything about the stranger,
However
, we judge him by his appearance. Even if he is a good person we will hate him because of his looks. So, women and men need to change
this
 and be more accepting of their looks because it will be helpful to them in many ways, one of these ways is to pay attention to their personalities more and develop our thoughts to be better, I know that person how has really normal look but the special about him is his personality,
this
 what we suppose to care about.
Submitted by ahmedaziz9811 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Work on creating a more structured and clear introduction that effectively outlines your main points. The current introduction is somewhat vague and doesn't fully set the stage for the essay.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to logically organize your paragraphs and provide smooth transitions between ideas. This will help the reader follow your argument more easily. For example, introducing topic sentences can guide the reader through your arguments.
task achievement
Provide more concrete examples and evidence to support your points. General statements could benefit from specific examples or data to make your arguments stronger and more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and sticks to it. Avoid repeating similar points or drifting off-topic to maintain a concise and coherent argument.
task achievement
The essay addresses the topic directly and provides some insightful observations about societal changes and perceptions of beauty.
task achievement
You have shown awareness of the issue and made some good points about the negative impacts of being overly concerned with appearance on self-confidence and social judgments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • social media platforms
  • beauty and personal care industry
  • societal norms
  • health and fitness
  • celebrity culture
  • technology advancements
  • cosmetic surgery
  • dermatology treatments
  • mental health awareness
  • self-esteem
What to do next:
Look at other essays: