IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some peple think that adverts control what we purchase, while others think they are useful sources of information of products. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

#peple #adverts #control #purchase #sources #information #products
Some
people
 would argue that an advertisement imposes what we buy,
while
 others say it is a great method to inform
people
 about
products
' information. I believe advertisement has many drawbacks more than benefits, On the one hand, advertising is a key part of modern business because companies need to tell customers about their
products
 and services, so advertising informs us about the choices we have, and
also
 the creative industry that employs many
people
.
Moreover
, marketing helps
people
 to know what is new about
products
 ,
also
 some clinics
advertising
Wrong verb form
advertise
show examples
such
 as
sale
Fix the agreement mistake
sales
show examples
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their goods, so
people
 will go there to try them.
For example
, I used to follow these
advertisements
 because I thought it was a good thing.
However
, I believe there are many ways to
reach
Verb problem
obtain
show examples
 information about any product without advertisement.
On the other hand
 ,
advertisements
 that aim to persuade
people
 that buying a product will make them happier, and
also
 focus on selling a brand image, so they use glamorous and successful
people
, which makes
people
 feel like them.
Furthermore
, we live now in a consumer culture and we are persuaded to follow the latest trend.
Moreover
, advertising often aims their marketing at
children
, because kids can easily be influenced by
advertisements
. so they put pressure on parents to buy them things.
For example
, we find
advertisements
 everywhere in shopping centers and cinemas
also
 on streets, and many companies use these
advertisements
 to market their
products
. In my opinion, advertising should be regulated by the government, especially the ones aimed at
children
 should be controlled or even banned. So unhealthy foods should not be marketed in a way that attracts
children
.
In addition
,
products
 that can
behealth
Correct your spelling
be health
be healthy
risksk
Correct your spelling
risks
risk
 should display warnings.
For example
, in some countries, it is illegal to advertise cigarettes on television. In conclusion,
although
 advertising helps
people
 choose new
products
, there are many drawbacks to their way
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 advertising
such
 as aiming their marketing at
children
.
Submitted by saja.alotaibi on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
While the essay addresses both sides of the argument and provides a clear opinion, it needs more detailed examples and deeper analysis to achieve higher marks.
task achievement
Improve the clarity of ideas by avoiding repetition and ensuring each point is distinctly developed. For example, the first body paragraph mentions several points without much depth.
coherence cohesion
Work on the logical flow within paragraphs. Ensure that each sentence follows logically from the previous one and contributes clearly to the main point of the paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Transitional phrases could be used more effectively to link ideas and arguments, which will improve the cohesion of the essay. For example, phrases like "Furthermore," and "Moreover," are used, but integrating them smoothly can make the text more fluent.
coherence cohesion
Conclude with a stronger summary of the key points discussed to leave a lasting impression. The current conclusion briefly mentions the drawbacks but does not summarize the debate well.
task achievement
The essay offers a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument, which is essential for a good task response.
coherence cohesion
A clear introduction is provided that sets out the debate and offers the writer's opinion, which is well done.
coherence cohesion
The essay concludes with a clear statement of the writer's opinion, reflecting a structured approach to the task.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • consumer purchasing decisions
  • persuasive techniques
  • emotional appeals
  • celebrity endorsements
  • eye-catching visuals
  • impulsive buying
  • prioritization of wants over needs
  • valuable information
  • innovations
  • special offers
  • informed purchasing decisions
  • marketing campaigns
  • raise awareness
  • niche products
  • lesser-known brands
  • consumer behavior
  • consumer education
  • critically assess
What to do next:
Look at other essays: