IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people believe that allowing children to make decisions on every day choices such as food, clothes, entertainment will result in a society of individuals who think only of themselves, others are of the opinion that decision should be made about issues which affect them. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #children #decisions #choices #food #clothes #entertainment #society #individuals #decision
The majority of the crowd
claim
Correct subject-verb agreement
claims
show examples
 that If
children
 were left to decide on any aspects of their lives, ranging from cuisine, garments, and recreational activities, they would become selfish.
However
, I agree with those who believe
children
 could be allowed to make decisions for their own special matters that impact their own lives.
It is clear that
 everyone has special and unique interests in any
issues
Fix the agreement mistake
issue
show examples
. Supporters of putting restrictions on decisions for
children
 said that If
children
 had the opportunity to choose and implement their ideas for every issue, They would have a proud and selfish personality
which
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 being enthusiastic would disappear.
In other words
,
Children
 may tend to just consider their needs and almost never think about sharing or being generous.
Moreover
, They would not be able to have
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
family ties and they may suffer from loneliness.
On the other hand
, other public believes that by letting kids and
adolescence
Replace the word
adolescents
show examples
say their
idea
Fix the agreement mistake
ideas
show examples
 and choose what they want, not only do they feel confident, but
also
 do they become more decisive. Apart from that, when
children
 choose their stuff or food, they may have more tendency to use or eat.
Furthermore
,
children
 by being free to select their interests on their own, could make wrong decisions and try to find a way to tackle them.
This
 would be a great result for their future. I think offspring should be allowed to choose any things related to themselves. In conclusion,
while
advocaters
Correct your spelling
advocates
show examples
 of limited selection for
children
 claim that they might be selfish in the future, I wholeheartedly believe that
children
 can find a solution and way for solving problems within their wrong selection which may affect positively their lives.
Submitted by Maral.qanbarii1992 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence
Try to avoid repetition of phrases such as 'children could be allowed' and 'select their interests.' Use synonyms or rephrase to improve variety.
task achievement
Use more specific examples to support your arguments. For instance, when mentioning children making wrong decisions, provide an actual scenario or a more detailed illustration.
introduction
The essay has a clear and effective introduction and conclusion, smoothly guiding the reader through the argument's beginning and closing with a thoughtful perspective.
coherence
Logical structure is maintained throughout, with each paragraph having a clear main idea and supporting arguments.
task achievement
The ideas presented are comprehensive and show a good understanding of both sides of the argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: