IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Students should be completely free to choose whether to study or play games. They should be allowed to manage their own time. Do you agree or disagree? Use specific reasons and examples to support your position.

#students #study #games #time #support #position
With the advent of advanced technology, computer games have become so captivating that our future pillars are often driven to be obsessed with them at the expense of academics.
This
 has sparked a hot heated debate over whether students should be granted complete autonomy to arrange their schedules.
However
, I cannot entirely agree with the idea that
parents
 should deprive their
children
 of the freedom to manage their own
time
.
First,
time
 management is a vital skill for
children
 to succeed in the future. Allowing them to allocate their
time
 after school is a valuable practice to master
this
 skill. When they fail an exam, they will understand that they need to allocate more
time
 to
study
 rather than
playing
Wrong verb form
play
show examples
 games next
time
.
On the contrary
, if they follow a
study
 schedule constructed by their
parents
 and fail an exam, they may only blame their
parents
instead
 of reflecting on their own actions. It is widely believed that learning through the consequences and rewards is more effective than just being told. Despite the fact that excelling in academics is the responsibility of the student, not their
parents
, some argue that
children
 are not mature enough to structure their own schedules and
thus
parents
 should intervene in their
study
 plans.
However
, some
parents
, who often understate the importance of leisure
time
, are unable to create the best timetable. In some Asian countries
such
 as China and South Korea, helicopter
parents
 often schedule overwhelming
study
 plans for
the
Change the word
their
show examples
children
, resulting in a stressful childhood, which is
also
 a factor contributing to the high juvenile suicide rate in these countries.
Therefore
, I believe that youngsters should have the freedom to take
a breaks
Correct the article-noun agreement
a break
breaks
show examples
 when needed. For the reasons mentioned above, it seems crucial to give students autonomy in managing their
time
, so that they can acquire
time
 management skills and be responsible for their actions. Meanwhile,
parents
 should respect their
children
’s free will but provide guidance to
instill
Change the spelling
instil
show examples
 the importance of
study
Wrong verb form
studying
show examples
 for the betterment of their
children
.
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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear response to the task with well-defined reasons and examples. However, to achieve a higher score, further enhance the relevance of your examples and make the argument even more compelling.
coherence cohesion
While your essay's structure is logical and easy to follow, consider reinforcing the connections between paragraphs with clearer transitional phrases to enhance coherence further.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-presented, providing a cohesive structure to your essay.
task achievement
The essay showcases clear, comprehensive ideas addressing the topic effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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