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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people fail in school, but end up being successful in life. Why do you think that is the case? What is, in your opinion, the most important thing to succeed in life?

#people #school #life #case
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There are a number of individuals who are unsuccessful throughout their
school
 years, but later on turn out to achieve great success in life.
Such
 individuals
demostrate
Correct your spelling
demonstrate
 that academic difficulties do not necessarily predict future failure.
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
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 these
struggling
Replace the word
struggles
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 may be
done
Verb problem
caused
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 by some personal factors
such
 as family, because, kids come from different social backgrounds with various problems that can affect their
well being
Add a hyphen
well-being
show examples
.
Firstly
, it is important for a student to live in a healthy
enviroment
Correct your spelling
environment
, in order for him to develop in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 correct way mentally, but there are families where it could be quite challenging to keep up with some problems.
Thurthemore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
,
this
 could affect the child’s mental health influencing their behaviour in
school
 and their devotion
two
Correct your spelling
to
show examples
 words studying. It is known that nowadays is quite common for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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parents to divorce,
wich
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which
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 is a quite touching event for the
familly
Correct your spelling
family
 and especially kids. As an example, we have Elon Musk,
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 wasn’t a great student, whose parents divorced, and he remained living with his mother,
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 worked 5 jobs at once to survive. He wasn’t the kind of person to be really interested in
school
 and didn’t grow up wealthy, but became
an
Change the article
a
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 successful man, known by the entire world for his companies “SpaceX” and “Tesla”, despite his failure in
school
.
Secondly
, the path
of
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to
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 success isn’t really determined by the education you get in
school
, because a great number of kids, with supportive families, happen to be different from the others and
to
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apply
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choose unalike paths.
Eventhough
Correct your spelling
Even
,
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though
show examples
there are pupils to love and assimilate the data from
school
 easily and with pleasure, some others are focused on
unreleated
Correct your spelling
unrelated
unreleased
 views, ideas,
Correct word choice
and standarts
show examples
standarts
Correct your spelling
standards
wich
Correct your spelling
which
show examples
 may seem unwelcomed by the teachers resulting in
failuire
Correct your spelling
failure
, but with the help of their families
help
Verb problem
apply
show examples
they may come to life.
For instance
, Bill Gates, dropped
of
Change preposition
out of
show examples
 college to
persue
Correct your spelling
pursue
 his
buisness
Correct your spelling
business
, “Microsoft”, and to bring it to
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 next level. Now, he is known for his company to become the worldwide leader in business and personal software and services
due to
 his
family
Change noun form
family's
show examples
 encouragement. In conclusion, academic performance in
school
 is not a definitive predictor of future success. Factors
such
 as family environment and personal interests play significant roles in shaping one's path to fortune. Many individuals who faced challenges and underperformed during their
school
 years have later achieved remarkable accomplishments.
Submitted by acaitaz on

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task achievement
Ensure that you proofread your essay to correct spelling and grammatical errors. For example, 'demostrate' should be 'demonstrate', and 'enviroment' should be 'environment'.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, use more linking words and phrases to create smooth transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Phrases like 'Additionally', 'Furthermore', and 'Moreover' can be helpful.
task achievement
Some sentences are slightly awkward or unclear, impacting the clarity of your ideas. For example: 'Firstly, it is important for a student to live in a healthy enviroment, in order for him to develop in a correct way mentally,' could be clearer. Consider revising these sentences for simplicity and clarity.
task achievement
Your essay contains relevant and specific examples such as Elon Musk and Bill Gates, which support your main points effectively.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present and are well-formed, providing a good framework for your essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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