Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy? (Give reasons for your answers and include any relewant examples from your own knowledge or experience.)

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, Every transaction needs
money
and become one of
Add an article
the comodities
show examples
comodities
Correct your spelling
commodities
that everyone needs worldwide. Some people believe that the important part of
money
will make them happy.
Money
can make them happy because it can help them to buy anything they want including
travels
Fix the agreement mistake
travel
show examples
, bags, and great
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
.
However
, there
other
Add a missing verb
are other
show examples
things that make a person happy
such
as family and time
besides
money
.
This
essay will discuss
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
money
and other factors that can create happiness.
Money
allows people to get tickets for travel to wherever they want.
This
will create good
memories
and experiences.
For instance
, My family and I always go
travel
Wrong verb form
travelling
show examples
once a year, without
money
, everything is so unclear regarding
to
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
the
accomodation
Correct your spelling
accommodation
and travel tour that we need to pay
.
Change preposition
for.
show examples
Furthermore
,
money
allows us to get good meals in nice restaurants
such
as
Michelline
Correct your spelling
Michelin
star
Capitalize word
Star
show examples
restaurans
Correct your spelling
restaurants
restaurant
. Another reason, why
money
is really important, is it allows us
buy
Add the particle
to buy
show examples
bags
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
for women.
Bag
Add an article
The bag
show examples
is a signature for women, the more expensive the higher the status that a woman can
gained
Change the verb form
gain
show examples
.
Besides
money
, there are other things that can create happiness in a person. Family,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
cannot bought with
money
, is playing a key role in life.
For instance
, I found
fastinating
Correct your spelling
fascinating
when I was in
graduation
Add an article
the graduation
a graduation
show examples
ceremony. Graduation is
Correct article usage
a milestones
show examples
milestones
Fix the agreement mistake
milestone
show examples
for a student and of
course
Add a comma
course,
show examples
family,
act
Correct subject-verb agreement
acts
show examples
as support systems for a student,
Correct word choice
and create
show examples
create
Correct subject-verb agreement
creates
show examples
good
memories
in graduation.
Such
memories
cannot bought with
money
and
that is
why time
playing
Wrong verb form
plays
show examples
role
Add an article
a role
the role
show examples
to create
Change preposition
in creating
show examples
memories
. In conclusion, for some people,
money
plays
important
Correct article usage
an important
show examples
role in their lives.
However
, there are some other things that
money
cannot buy
such
as family and time. It is based on
Correct article usage
a person
show examples
person
Change noun form
person's
show examples
preferences whether they choose
money
or family.
Submitted by alyalihan28 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic and provides relevant ideas, but it lacks a clear and comprehensive development of those ideas. Strive to delve deeper into your points and provide more detailed explanations.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, but they could be more clear and impactful. Make sure your introduction succinctly states the main points you will discuss, and your conclusion should effectively summarize your arguments and offer a closing thought.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that your arguments are clearly linked. For instance, better transitions between paragraphs can help in making the essay more fluent and cohesive.
general
Work on correcting minor grammatical and spelling errors to enhance readability. For example, proper capitalization ('Every' should be 'every' and 'Michelline' should be 'Michelin'), correctly spelling words like 'accommodations' and 'tour,' and fixing subject-verb agreement issues.
task achievement
You provide relevant and specific examples to support your points.
task achievement
Your essay maintains a clear focus on the topic and discusses both aspects effectively.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Wealth
  • Prosperity
  • Affluence
  • Financial security
  • Financial freedom
  • Well-being
  • Quality of life
  • Hobbies and interests
  • Travel and exploration
  • Achievement
  • Success
  • Generosity
  • Compassion
  • Empathy
  • Supportive relationships
  • Personal development
What to do next:
Look at other essays: