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Writing Samples
Band 4

Topic: some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with. What are the advantages and disadvantages for the children of having a large number of toys?

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Toys
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 have become a source of entertainment for
children
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, and parents love to buy gifts for their kids, especially
toys
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.
While
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 some people believe
this
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 is beneficial, I think there are
also
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 some drawbacks. On the one hand, having excessive
toys
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 has several benefits.
Children
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 have a variety of playthings, share
toys
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 with others, and develop friendships.
Toys
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 like puzzle games and blocks
also
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 help
children
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 learn and develop critical thinking skills. Educational
toys
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 enhance learning skills, and playing with
toys
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 keeps
children
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 active and fit. 
On the other hand
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, recent surveys highlight the disadvantages of having too many
toys
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.
Children
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 may waste time playing with
toys
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, neglect their studies, and become materialistic. They may
also
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 lose their sense of appreciation, discarding
toys
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 when they get bored,
expecting
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and expecting
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 new ones from their parents.  In conclusion,
while
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 providing
children
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 with many
toys
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 brings happiness, I believe we should limit
toys
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 to help
children
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 focus on their studies .

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task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. Instead of mentioning 'recent surveys,' provide details or hypothetical scenarios that illustrate your points more concretely. This will make your argument stronger.
task achievement
Expand on your points to make your argument more comprehensive. For example, in addition to mentioning that children may neglect their studies, discuss how having fewer toys might positively impact their academic performance.
task achievement
Ensure a more balanced and complex analysis by discussing the potential long-term impacts on children's development, both positive and negative. This can provide depth to your argument.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. Try using transitional phrases to guide the reader through your points more seamlessly. For example, phrases like 'In addition,' 'Moreover,' or 'On the contrary' can be helpful.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, but make sure the conclusion directly ties back to the points discussed in the body of the essay. Reinforce your key points in your concluding remarks to leave a lasting impression on the reader.
coherence cohesion
Work on providing more supporting details for your main points. For instance, explain how educational toys enhance learning skills and what specific skills can be developed by such toys. This will show a deeper understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This helps in effectively presenting your ideas.
task achievement
The topic is addressed directly, and your discussion includes both advantages and disadvantages, which shows a balanced perspective.
task achievement
Your language is clear and easy to understand, which makes your points accessible. This is important for ensuring your argument is communicated well to the reader.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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