IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that good health is very important to every person, so medical services should not be run by profit-making companies. Do the advantages of private health care outweigh the disadvantages?

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Several individuals believe that good
health
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 is crucial to everyone, so medical services should not be managed by profit-making companies. In my opinion, I think that the advantages of private
health
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 care do not outweigh its disadvantages. On one hand,
it is clear that
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 personal healthcare provides high-quality facilities
as well as
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 good services. To illustrate, in my country, VietNam, if you go to private hospitals for an examination, you do not need to wait in long time to take your turn.
However
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, you must wait a couple of hours in public hospitals for your turn-taking.
Additionally
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, each sick room of a personal healthcare centre consists of only one to two
patients
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,
however
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,
this
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 figure is from 12 to 22
patients
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 in a public hospital room . It means that private medical services can bring a sense of comfort to
patients
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, which contributes to protecting their mental
health
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 and helping
patients
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 to get well again quickly.
On the other hand
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, spending on private
health
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 is very expensive.
For instance
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, in Vietnam, I must pay from 50 to 100 VND for each examination at a public hospital.
Conversely
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,
this
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 figure booms from 300 to one million VND in a personal healthcare centre, which leads to a financial burden on
patients
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 coming from poor families.
Furthermore
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, many individuals will not dare go to hospitals when they are sick.
As a result
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, the problems of healthy communities and the social economy will grow. In conclusion, the advantages of the comfortable feeling of
patients
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 seem to not outweigh the disadvantages of the increase in the number of healthy communities and economic issues.

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task achievement
You have addressed both views of the essay prompt. To further strengthen your argument, make sure to add more supporting examples and details to balance your points better.
coherence cohesion
The essay is generally well-structured and easy to follow, but try to enhance the logical flow of ideas between paragraphs. Transitional phrases can be used more effectively to ensure a smoother flow.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion provide a clear and concise summary of your main argument, which adds to the overall coherence of the essay.
task achievement
Specific examples, such as the comparison between private and public hospitals in Vietnam, help to illustrate your points effectively.
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