IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people suggest that setting up more gyms will encourage people to remain active. What problems are associated with this proposal? What solutions can you offer for good health?

#people #gyms #offer #health
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Many people around the world use a variety of methods to stay fit and agile. A large portion of them think that opening additional gyms could foster them to remain active.
Although
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space
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 scarcity and
money
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 wastage could arise
due to
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this
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 trend, outdoor exercise and a balanced diet could provide good
health
Use synonyms
. In the forthcoming paragraphs, I will discuss my viewpoints and provide relevant examples. The possible problems that could originate
due to
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this
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 trend are lack of
space
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 for other useful activities and
money
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 wastage. If more
space
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 on the earth is dedicated to gyms,
parks
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 and other open spaces may have to sacrifice. Take India
for example
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, where the president of
Indian
Correct article usage
the Indian
show examples
gym
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 industry encouraged to substitute open
parks
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 with
gym
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 equipment, leading to less
space
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 for public
parks
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.
Moreover
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, the initial cost to set up a new
gym
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 often incurs a massive investment.
However
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, those who don't want to go
gym
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 won't feel attracted even if the
gym
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 owners open multiple gyms and spend a considerable amount of
money
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for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 advanced machines, resulting in a hefty loss for the
gym
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 associations. In order to resolve
this
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 issue, the two vital solutions are
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
awareness programs about
health
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 benefits and dedicated time for outdoor exercises. If the government runs
health
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-related campaigns to motivate
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 citizens, many people may start taking care of their bodies.
For instance
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, the Canadian government often air a
health
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 video on television to highlight the significant benefits of a healthy lifestyle.
Additionally
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, many people can stay fit if they visit outdoor
parks
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 and perform activities on a daily basis.
This
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 routine can help them to stay active in the long run. In conclusion,
while
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 opening multiple exercise locations could reduce the green
space
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 and may result in
money
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 wastage for
gym
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 owners,
health
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-related awareness programs and regular exercise could be the possible solutions for good
health
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.
Submitted by kkhurana.vibhu on

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task achievement
The essay presents a clear response and covers the main aspects of the task. However, it could be improved by elaborating more on how the suggested solutions directly address the problems mentioned.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph flows logically from one to the next. For example, the connection between the problems of money wastage and space scarcity and the solutions could be made stronger.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-structured and clearly present the main points of the essay.
task achievement
The use of relevant specific examples, such as the example of India and the Canadian government, strengthens the essay.
task achievement
The main points are clear and supported with relevant information.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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