It is responsiblitity of individuals to save and provide for their own retirement. Governments have no obligation to provide this benefit. To what extend do you agree or disagree with these statements ?
Some
people
think it is not regulator's
obligation to provide their citizen's Correct article usage
the regulator's
retirement
. It is individual's
responsibility to allocate some specific amount of their money for their own elderly period. I fully disagree with the statements because there is a Correct article usage
an individual's
gap
between people
in the
society, some of them are socio-economic and Correct article usage
apply
education
. To make it just, Replace the word
educational
government
have Add an article
the government
obligation
to Correct article usage
an obligation
intervense
Correct your spelling
intervene
the
situation.
Change preposition
in the
People
start their live
by living with the family and each Replace the word
lives
families
are different. In the recent era, some families are so Change to a singular noun
family
priviliged
to have an inheritance from their ancestors, Correct your spelling
privileged
while
the
others Correct article usage
apply
not
. Add a missing verb
do not
This
situation indicate
that there is a socio-economic Change the verb form
indicates
gap
in the society. For the rich people
, they can allocate their money for the retirement
. Meanwhile, the poor even still struggling to fullfil
their tomorrow's Correct your spelling
fulfil
need
. The Fix the agreement mistake
needs
government
should address this
phenomenon by design
Wrong verb form
designing
the
scheme which Correct article usage
a
accommodate
all, Change the verb form
accommodates
for example
by raise
higher Change the verb form
raising
tax
for the rich that will be allocated to the nation's Fix the agreement mistake
taxes
retirement
saving
.
Fix the agreement mistake
savings
Furthermore
, with the
better socio-economic Correct article usage
apply
condition
, some Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
people
could afford the best education
. This
education
aspect could make the gap
wider because they know how to make the best retirement
plan
. Meanwhile, people
who less
privileged are usually less educated, Add a missing verb
are less
it
leads to their ability to Correct pronoun usage
which
aware
Add a missing verb
be aware
about
the Change preposition
of
retirement
plan
. In the long term, people
with better education
will inherit others inheritance to their children and it will create another gap
in the
society.
In conclusion, I do think it's Correct article usage
apply
Correct article usage
the government
government
obligation to provide a Change noun form
government's
retirement
plan
for their citizen. It is because for
some Add the comma(s)
, for
reasons
, not all of their citizen are fully aware Fix the agreement mistake
reason
about
the Change the preposition
of
retirement
plan
. Government
should create a Correct article usage
The government
retirement
plan
that allow
the more privileged group to help the less one.Change the verb form
allows
Submitted by alfianarrizkyp on
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task achievement
Try to make your introduction more engaging and clearer. Also, define your stand more decisively in the beginning.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow by making sure each paragraph smoothly transitions to the next. Using connectors and linking phrases could help in this regard.
task achievement
Add specific examples to support your arguments better. This will strengthen your points and make your essay more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Work on varied sentence structures to avoid repetition. This will make your essay more dynamic and interesting to read.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position on the topic, which is good.
coherence cohesion
You have a well-defined conclusion that summarizes your main points effectively.
task achievement
You bring up relevant aspects like socio-economic gaps and educational disparities, which add depth to your argument.
coherence cohesion
There is a good attempt to provide logical and coherent arguments, bolstered by explanations.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.