It is responsiblitity of individuals to save and provide for their own retirement. Governments have no obligation to provide this benefit. To what extend do you agree or disagree with these statements ?

Some
people
think it is not
regulator's
Correct article usage
the regulator's
show examples
obligation to provide their citizen's
retirement
. It is
individual's
Correct article usage
an individual's
show examples
responsibility to allocate some specific amount of their money for their own elderly period. I fully disagree with the statements because there is a
gap
between
people
in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society, some of them are socio-economic and
education
Replace the word
educational
show examples
. To make it just,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
have
obligation
Correct article usage
an obligation
show examples
to
intervense
Correct your spelling
intervene
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
situation.
People
start their
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
by living with the family and each
families
Change to a singular noun
family
show examples
are different. In the recent era, some families are so
priviliged
Correct your spelling
privileged
to have an inheritance from their ancestors,
while
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others
not
Add a missing verb
do not
show examples
.
This
situation
indicate
Change the verb form
indicates
show examples
that there is a socio-economic
gap
in the society. For the rich
people
, they can allocate their money for the
retirement
. Meanwhile, the poor even still struggling to
fullfil
Correct your spelling
fulfil
their tomorrow's
need
Fix the agreement mistake
needs
show examples
. The
government
should address
this
phenomenon by
design
Wrong verb form
designing
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
scheme which
accommodate
Change the verb form
accommodates
show examples
all,
for example
by
raise
Change the verb form
raising
show examples
higher
tax
Fix the agreement mistake
taxes
show examples
for the rich that will be allocated to the nation's
retirement
saving
Fix the agreement mistake
savings
show examples
.
Furthermore
, with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
better socio-economic
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
, some
people
could afford the best
education
.
This
education
aspect could make the
gap
wider because they know how to make the best
retirement
plan
. Meanwhile,
people
who
less
Add a missing verb
are less
show examples
privileged are usually less educated,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
leads to their ability to
aware
Add a missing verb
be aware
show examples
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
the
retirement
plan
. In the long term,
people
with better
education
will inherit others inheritance to their children and it will create another
gap
in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. In conclusion, I do think it's
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
government
Change noun form
government's
show examples
obligation to provide a
retirement
plan
for their citizen. It is because
for
Add the comma(s)
, for
show examples
some
reasons
Fix the agreement mistake
reason
show examples
, not all of their citizen are fully aware
about
Change the preposition
of
show examples
the
retirement
plan
.
Government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
should create a
retirement
plan
that
allow
Change the verb form
allows
show examples
the more privileged group to help the less one.
Submitted by alfianarrizkyp on

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task achievement
Try to make your introduction more engaging and clearer. Also, define your stand more decisively in the beginning.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow by making sure each paragraph smoothly transitions to the next. Using connectors and linking phrases could help in this regard.
task achievement
Add specific examples to support your arguments better. This will strengthen your points and make your essay more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Work on varied sentence structures to avoid repetition. This will make your essay more dynamic and interesting to read.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position on the topic, which is good.
coherence cohesion
You have a well-defined conclusion that summarizes your main points effectively.
task achievement
You bring up relevant aspects like socio-economic gaps and educational disparities, which add depth to your argument.
coherence cohesion
There is a good attempt to provide logical and coherent arguments, bolstered by explanations.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Personal financial planning
  • Self-sufficiency
  • Moral imperatives
  • Social imperatives
  • Retirement planning
  • Economic implications
  • Government-funded retirement schemes
  • Self-funded retirement
  • Social safety nets
  • Social security
  • Long-term sustainability
  • Fiscal responsibility
  • Public pension systems
  • Individual savings
  • Mandatory retirement contributions
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