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Band 5.5

With the rapid development of communication technology, such as smartphones, tablets, and other mobile devices, some people think the disadvantages outweigh its advantages. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#development #communication #technology #smartphones #tablets #devices #people
There have been huge advancements in smart devices
such
 as phones and
while
 there are some negatives the positives outweigh them in my opinion.
Furthermore
, when it comes to the negatives of these rapid
changes
 ,
for example
, people need to keep up with these
changes
 to be able to live normally in society.
For instance
, being able to use a smartphone to call their family use the order screens in restaurants or even book their hospital appointments.
While
 these situations might seem a walk in the park for the current generation it is definitely much harder for the older ones.
That is
 why we need to work on solutions to help seniors adjust to these
changes
.
On the other hand
, there are so many positives for these
changes
, smart devices have changed our lives in so many ways and brought us much closer together.
For Example
, we can now communicate with people across the world from us with a click of a button. You can now do so many useful things with your phone, you can book a taxi, order food, book appointments, and even plan stuff with friends. These
changes
 surely made our lives a lot easier. In conclusion,
while
 there might be a few negatives that people need to work together to solve most definitely the positives are a lot more. It changed the way we live and changed our lives for the better, we are lucky to be alive in a time like
this
.
Submitted by ah.000 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay would benefit from a more engaging and structured introduction. Start with a general statement about the topic before giving your specific opinion. This will help set the context for the reader.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to maintain parallelism in your sentences for better fluency. For example, instead of "communicate with people across the world from us," you can say, "communicate with people around the world."
task achievement
Try to elaborate more on your arguments with additional specific examples or statistics. This will help to provide a clearer and stronger support for your points.
task achievement
Ensure you fully develop each point in a separate paragraph with a clear topic sentence. Currently, your essay can benefit from clearer paragraph structuring. Each paragraph should have a single main idea that is well-supported.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay has a clear and relevant conclusion, summarizing your main points effectively.
relevant specific examples
You have included examples to support your points, which makes your arguments more convincing.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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